Half My Life Addicted

Well hello everyone. I've been a bit hesitant to create an account and share my story, but here I am.

I was first exposed to pornography in middle school, 6th grade. I must have been 11 or so and was instantly drawn to the excitement and instant gratification that porn offered. Throughout middle school, high school, and the majority of college I was hooked on pornography, able to stop watching only when I entered into a relationship with a women, but even then I had moments where I would relapse. Not usually with hardcore pornography, but more along the lines of swimsuit models.

I was so filled with guilt the majority of the time I was watching, but couldn't bring myself to stop, the reward was just too enticing. And until college hit,  I never noticed it impacting my sex drive. In fact, even in college I didn't realize it had lowered my sex drive. I didn't really date anybody throughout the entirety of it (which looking back on it may have been due to a reduced interest in real women), not until my senior year at least. I had a few sexual relationships in high school, and none throughout college (we'll come back to this later). I'm a fairly well liked guy, decent looking, and quite smart, I've also been told that I'm really unaware of when women flirt with me, so I'm assuming this singleness was largely due to my own lack of desire, probably correlated with porn use.

Once I graduated from college I realized it had been so long since I had really put myself out there and gone after a woman. So I began dating and ended up meeting an amazing woman, and we eventually ended up in the bedroom and this was the first time I realized that I had a hard time really getting aroused. As you could imagine, I was really concerned. This woman was incredibly kind, smart, and beautiful yet my body wasn't responding to what I knew I should be attracted to. I also realized that porn had been less and less enjoyable (which I was already aware of, but hadn't made a connection to my own performance yet) and that I was getting less and less hard while masturbating. After this first incident with that woman, I looked into the reasons for my lack of performance and came to the conclusion that it was most likely PIED.

I had actually not watched porn for a few weeks prior to that (an impressive feat for me, especially at the time), and decided that I finally had the motivation I needed to never watch porn again. Her and I kept seeing each other for a bit, but after the second time we were sexually intimate and I couldn't get an erection, I felt the need to share with her what I was struggling with because I didn't want her to feel like it was her fault. She responded incredibly and we kept trying for some time after that. About a month later I was able to actually get somewhat hard and ejaculate. This progress was incredibly exciting for me and encouraging in my journey, I definitely went through the flatline phase, but felt like I was coming out of it about two months into being porn free, getting morning wood more often, and actually getting slightly more turned on by sexual contact.

The relationship ended though, and three months went by. I was able to stay porn free throughout the time, but I could tell that my sexual arousal wasn't really improving. I would masturbate but I think that my arousal has actually slowly decreased again from this. I then met another woman and ended up in bed with her as well. This time I felt incredibly aroused, yet once again I was having an incredibly hard time getting an actual, rock hard erection. This left me really discouraged and afraid that I wasn't going to get better.

I don't really get morning wood anymore, I don't do a double take at incredibly beautiful woman, and my interest in flirting with them is also incredibly low. I want to have a sex drive, so I still masturbate, but It just feels so forced and unnatural now.

I just met another incredible woman (one that I'm hoping sticks around), and I am already worrying about when (if) our relationship becomes sexual. I'm once again scared that I won't be able to perform, worried that things aren't going to get better, and feel helpless. I have no desire for pornography anymore, its been almost 200 days since I last watched and I am fairly confident that I won't relapse.

I feel like when I read other people's stories, they're finding far more quickly than I am. I wonder if it has to do with the length of my addiction (12 or so years), how young I was when I first started, and the fact that I wasn't very sexually active for the majority of my life. Has my body associated arousal as something which I can only experience when I'm alone?

I don't really know exactly what I'm looking from posting all this. There is a part of me that is hoping someone has an answer to my problem, even though I know theres no one right answer for everyone. There's a part of me that wants to know I'm not alone, that it took other people just as long if not longer but they fully recovered. There's also a part of me that just wants some support and encouragement. Once again, I don't have a desire to watch porn again, I just want to find my desire for another women. I intellectually know I want it, but my body is falling a little behind.

I'd be happy to hear anyone's thoughts, hopefully I'll continue posting here as well. Cheers.

Hey. I think what you?re going through is quite normal and most of the guys on here experience similar problems. As you mentioned, you?re right that there is no one correct answer or method for overcoming this problem. Some guys usually abstain from porn but continue masturbating and having orgasms and that works for them. Whereas other guys have to completely refrain from all 3, that is, Porn, Masturbation and Orgasms (PMO). Usually, it is a good start to go No PMO at first. But some guys swear by it that an actual experience with a real women helped them progress. So you gotta figure out that one out on your own and see what works for you.

And it is true. The limited amount of information that is available on porn addiction does mention that your reboot and progress does depend on the length of time of the addiction. I would say that getting morning woods is a good sign of progress. Some guys also go through an unusually long period before they see any signs of progress. I would just advice that you hang in there and stick with the program. You?re doing great and I wish you all the very best for your journey.

hi ???????

Hey noah,

i am now 7 and a half months without pmo and 2 and a half months without mo and im still in it. And for what i ve heard it became somewhat usual for guys, who are trying to come back from pied. For me results started to come more frequently, when i also stopped MO. That by the way was nearly as difficult for me as quitting porn.

https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/porn-induced-sexual-dysfunctions/my-recovery-from-porn-induced-erectile-dysfunction-is-taking-way-too-long/

It is not about how often or frequently you watched porn or how addicted you were, but how much porn had an effect on your brain. Everyones brain reacts different to certain stimuli. But the younger you started to use, the higher the chances on developing deep neurological changes.

I can only recommend on trying not MOing for a period of time to see if you notice any changes or differences. When you meet difficulties on quitting MO, it might be a sign, that you also developed unhealthy behaviours in that area.

Good luck to you

Hi Noah,

My experience has been similar to yours.  What worked was rebooting for a few months without pmoing and moing as little as possible.  When you find a girl you like and want to sleep with just be a clean communicator and let her know you want to go slow and don't have that much sexual experience and have had trouble getting hard before.  Tell her so she doesn't think it's because you don't find her attractive.  Girls will think that.  Then do a lot of cuddling, kissing, hugging, blow jobs, touching and all that and focus on the feeling and the connection. 

Here is the most important thing to know.  It is not a performance.  It is a connection between two people who care about each other.  As a former pmo user we think of sex as a performance.  This thinking is fatal for good sex, don't think that way, that's fake. 

Try to have sex when you are comfortable and keep trying a few weeks apart if it didn't work.  If it did work, do it a lot if you two want haha.  Keep communicating a lot about what you want and how happy she makes you.  Explore and learn what you like and what she likes.  You'll get more comfortable and your symptoms should improve as you rewire to reality.

Good luck, it worked for me.  And it was worth it.

Also, your title is really negative, I'd change it to something positive.  A lot of other things happened during those years than addiction and you have a different plan for the next 12.  Just modify your first post and you will see the option to change the title