What a hard life

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justjazz903

Member
I've been reading and watching a lot on this site for quite a while now. I decide to wirte my own journal. I thought it should be much easier to write down my pain than holding the pain to myself, even if no body will read or understand.

A little bit self introduction, I'm 24, suffer from PIED, been watching porn since 11. I also smoke a lot, since I'm going to reboot, I might as well quit smoking.

Today is day 15 without porn, and day 7 without cigarette. Withdrawal symptoms are flooding in, I have insomnia, mood swing, brain fog, anxiety. I didn't lost my libido yet but I can't get my dick hard even though I want it to so bad just to see some progress. Meanwhile I need to deal with the cigarette problem. Also, I'm about to graduate and trying to find a job, I need to prepare a lot for the coming interviews.

Hard as it sounds, I think I'm actually doing great till now. When the pain comes, I will told myself how much more pain it will be if I relapse and how much pain it is when I suffered from PIED and cigarettes. I will remind myself that the current pain is just an illusion, I'm not feeling the pain, I'm actually getting better.

Although the withdrawal symptoms are now seriously affecting my daily work, but I got to keep going, it's a price I have to pay for my past mistakes.
 
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justjazz903

Member
I want to tell some little stories of mine so that I can get rid of the burden and understand myself better. They are true feelings of mine that I'm ashamed of telling my family or friends.

Ever since I watched the show <how I met your mother>, my life dream is to become a man like Barney Stinson. Well, not exactly like the man in the show, but a man who is rich, funny and sleeps with a lot of women. Of course, at that time, I don't know porn can cause me so much trouble. I thought watching porn can make me last longer during sex because I've seen all those scenes in porn already so I won't get too excited during real sex. I thought I can learn some new positions from porn and try them with a girl. I said to myself: those porn stars are no doubt the master of having sex, I'm learning from the best!

Well...

Then I became addicted to porn. Of course at that time I lied to myself that I'm not addicted, I'm just learning, I just love watching porn, I choose to watch porn not because I'm addicted to it, becasue I love it. I have my own collection, my own taste. I helped people recongize pornstars from some screenshots. I recommend porn to people. I became a porn expert... At some point, I really think I enjoyed porn.

But all falls down when PIED comes...

Clearly to be a man like Barney, I not only need to watch porn, I also need to date girls. So there I am with a girl in a hotel. At first, I did get hard enough to do it, but then I got premature ejaculation. Then we waited for a while to do a second time, but this time no matter what I did or what she did, I just can't get an erection. I even asked her to tied me up and finger my anus. Of course for a girl who knows me for about only couple days won't do that. She yelled at me, asked what's wrong with me and left. It was so horrible, so embarrassed, so ashamed... I can't find enough words in the world to tell how I feel about myself at that moment. I should be good at sex, not with a dead dick. What's wrong with me.

I freaked out and went to the doctor. The Doctor said: everything looks fine by me, but you can have a circumcision if you want. I don't know what else to do so I just went ahead and do the surgery hope that's gonna solve my issue.

But it didn't...
 
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Zel99

Member
Hey man, I'm 20 and have similar problems. It's going to be so tough to get through this, but when we do, we'll be Gods knowing what we had to do to recover. We got ourselves into this mess, and there is no one to blame but ourselves. I didn't know that there was a risk of PIED beforehand, I was only 13, but that's still not an excuse. Seems like you're fairly new to rebooting. You said you read a lot about rebooting and should know that it may take us a while to be fully recovered. As long as we never look at porn again, we can get better. I'll be reading your updates and cheering you on over here. Good luck man
 
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justjazz903

Member
Zel99 said:
Hey man, I'm 20 and have similar problems. It's going to be so tough to get through this, but when we do, we'll be Gods knowing what we had to do to recover. We got ourselves into this mess, and there is no one to blame but ourselves. I didn't know that there was a risk of PIED beforehand, I was only 13, but that's still not an excuse. Seems like you're fairly new to rebooting. You said you read a lot about rebooting and should know that it may take us a while to be fully recovered. As long as we never look at porn again, we can get better. I'll be reading your updates and cheering you on over here. Good luck man
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Thank you man, that means a lot to me!
 
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