NOT GOING TO GIVE UP

I really want to post on the success story tab someday.

I'm 20 years old and have been PMOing since I was 13. My PIED development was gradual. I escalated my porn use and taste, and usually PMOed once a day. I only really became serious recently when I had unsuccessful sex.

My story is somewhat different because I was in a flatline when I attempted to have sex. I swore off PMO during November, and it was getting progressively easier (flatlined). In December I started talking to a girl and had some unsuccessful attempts. I didn't have any libido then. I had no idea what was wrong so I did what everyone else did, and found YBOP. What a godsend. I thought I was doomed for the rest of my life. Unfortunately, I tested myself before finding YBOP and Gabe's videos, so I reset my counter.

I started this journey on the 5th of January. For those of you who are doing hardmode, you have a new brother. I will NEVER watch porn now that I now it's my problem. It seems so simple now, but I could never piece the two together.

It can be so depressing sometimes to think of the situation I've unknowingly put myself in. However, reading the stories in this community, watching Gabe and Noah's videos, and reading through YBOP, I have new found strength that this is the right path. I will be sharing more of my story later on, but I hope this serves as an adequate introduction. I look forward to a successful journey with all of you.

WE CAN DO THIS!

Great man! Keep up the good work and yes cutting porn out FOR LIFE is key!

quitforeverthenwin2 said:

Great man! Keep up the good work and yes cutting porn out FOR LIFE is key!

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Thank you for the words of encouragement. Today is day 12, but knowing that I'm in a flat line, I have full confidence to put my head down and move forward. I prevented one relationship with my porn use, I won't let it happen again. I know this journey will be difficult. It's not a physical struggle, it's mostly mental. There are no predetermined goals that one can mark off along the way. We just need to trust the process, and believe that there will be recovery. It's like we're standing on the edge of a void and asked to jump in, not knowing what's on the other side, and being forced to either trust the process or face PIED for the rest of our lives. Which is why I want to talk about something more serious.

TRIGGER WARNING:

Brothers, when we think about relapsing, we need to face up to the facts about our futures with PIED. Do you ever want to have a family? Get married? Spend the rest of your life with someone? These are serious questions we need to ask ourselves before tightening our resolve. The uncertainty of whether or not I will ever be cured is painful, but I would rather keep trying than to live with the temporary comfort of PMO. I have to be fully committed to see this through to the end and know that FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. RELAPSE IS NOT AN OPTION.

My journal will be a little different. I don't think I'll do a daily check in, but rather a periodic update on what I'm thinking and feeling. I'll be here with all of you, doing my best to stay on track. I think what will be hardest for me is resisting the urge to check. I'm someone who wants to see progress. I recognize that this might be an issue, so when I feel discouraged and get the urge to check, I'll watch one of Gabe or Noah's videos.

I think I'll start off by going monk mode for a while. It was painful to be with someone who wants to be more intimate, so I want to put off any skin to skin rewiring for the time being. This works out well because starting next week, I'll have an extremely busy semester. I'll still be interacting with girls that I know, but I don't think I'll try to pursue a serious relationship anytime soon. Like I said above, I'm in a flat line right now, so I don't think it will be too difficult to resist PMOing. The big challenge will be sticking to it for the long haul, for months. If everything works out in school, I plan to study abroad in Spain next year, so I'm glad I'm starting this now. I'd like to have as much fun over there as possible, if you know what I mean.

I wish I could travel back in time and smack myself so hard when I first started PMOing. I started right around the time Gabe first started uploading! Why couldn't I have found his videos then!? I'll try to be as positive as possible by knowing that at least I found out now, not 1 or 5 years later. I know it's going to be difficult. The uncertainty is what kills me the most, but I also know that Gabe, Noah, and plenty of other guys had the same thoughts that I'm having right now. They all stuck to the course, and eventually were cured. I can do the same.

I'm not sure when I'm going to post again, could be tomorrow or next week. Either way, I'll be reading your stories and wishing you all the best. Please feel free to comment here, I'm looking for as much interaction with you guys as possible. I can't say I particularly like having to be a part of this community (haha), but I know that I did this to myself and I can get myself out of it. Until next time.

Hi, Zel!

My journal will be a little different. I don't think I'll do a daily check in, but rather a periodic update on what I'm thinking and feeling. I'll be here with all of you, doing my best to stay on track. I think what will be hardest for me is resisting the urge to check. I'm someone who wants to see progress.

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Looks like you and I have similar mindsets as well as daily struggles. I'm not qualified to say my thoughts about "the monk mode", I have only abstained from self pleasure and graphical content for 2 something months, but have not eliminated fantasies or naughty thoughts. Also being social like yourself, at clubs or fun environments, I still tend to have fun with girls and that definitely does spike my emotions and dopamine levels.

Let me know, how "monk mode" works out for you once you do try to go for some results. Until then, good luck in school this spring semester and with paperwork to study in Spain.

Travos

Travos said:

Let me know, how "monk mode" works out for you once you do try to go for some results. Until then, good luck in school this spring semester and with paperwork to study in Spain.

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I will! Thanks for the encouragement. I'm still going strong.

It's been a couple days after my initial post and I haven't seen any changes. Don't worry, I'm not expecting to see changes for a while. Today is day 16. I think I made it ~45 days last time. Last night I was thinking about a girl before sleeping and had some decent activity down there. I'm still deep deep into the flat line, but there's a faint heartbeat out there.

I'll add a little more to my background. I decided to stop PMO around mid October of 2019. I recognized that my tastes were escalating, and I wouldn't see much action downstairs when I went out to bars. At first it was so difficult that I would often watch porn at night just to try and calm myself down. Obviously this wouldn't help with my progress, but I didn't know at the time. I started talking with a girl around late November. I didn't realize it at the time, but I was in a pretty decent flat line after not PMOing for 6 weeks. A couple failed attempts to have sex later, I got freaked out and went to the doctor. I got prescribed pills, but I don't think I need them. Shortly after, I found out about ybop. I didn't know that morning wood is supposed to occur frequently, but since it stopped happening to me for years I never noticed.

The girl I mentioned is still talking to me, but I'm not sure I want to pursue anything. I know some guys advocate for rewiring right at the beginning, but I don't think I'm ready. I'm still kind of hurt that nothing happened between us, so I don't want to return to that state. At least for now I'll avoid physical contact, but maintain the friendship.

I have a feeling that my reboot is going to take a while. I'm settling in for the long haul. For me, the fear of not being able to perform is excellent fuel to never look at pornography. When I start to see some definite changes, I'll look for more opportunities to rewire physically.

Today was the first day back at school. It's going to be a busy semester, I can tell. I'm using my reboot as a time to challenge myself in other aspects of my life. I'll be waking up at 5 to work out, then I've got class every day until the afternoon. I plan to do research as well... in total about 19 credit hours of science classes. It'll take some getting used to, but I like challenging myself. I want to look back on the year and be proud of my accomplishments and progress with no PMO.

I've been reading everyone's posts on the forum. We're all in this together, and we can recover from this messed up problem we have. It's been therapeutic to read success stories and interact with others here. Let's keep working hard.

Zel99 said:

I have a feeling that my reboot is going to take a while. I'm settling in for the long haul. For me, the fear of not being able to perform is excellent fuel to never look at pornography. When I start to see some definite changes, I'll look for more opportunities to rewire physically.

Today was the first day back at school. It's going to be a busy semester, I can tell. I'm using my reboot as a time to challenge myself in other aspects of my life. I'll be waking up at 5 to work out, then I've got class every day until the afternoon. I plan to do research as well... in total about 19 credit hours of science classes. It'll take some getting used to, but I like challenging myself. I want to look back on the year and be proud of my accomplishments and progress with no PMO.

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It's good to settle in for the long haul. A reboot might be 90 days, but real recovery is a process for a lifetime. It's about healing and changing our whole lives, not just stopping one bad habit. It's okay for it to take time, and it's wise to realize that the changes you make to stay clean can't be temporary.

There's also nothing wrong with holding off dating/real women for a while. I didn't really have dating opportunities when I first hit recovery hard early last year, so I didn't have to worry about that for the first several months. Then, when I started to consider dating again and putting myself out there, I realized I had a lot of crossed wires, and it brought a lot of urges/cravings for porn back to surface. Luckily by then things were a lot more under control than they had been before, but it was still kind of scary. Long story short, I'm supportive of you just focusing on recovery for now. Why complicate it with dating right away? There will be time for that when you're in a more stable place.

That looks like an ambitious schedule for the semester! You're definitely going to be busy and that can help (less time for porn). Don't forget to take some time for rest and recovery, and good luck!

Day 30

I have officially made it one month!!! I have not looked at porn once in this time. I didn't really feel tempted, which is a good thing and a bad thing. It's good because it means I'm more likely to stay on this path and never PMO again. It's bad because I really have no drive. Still stuck in a flat line for the most part. I know that 30 days is nothing compared to 7 years of PMO, but I sometimes stumble across a post or two about guys who are still struggling to feel anything after 600 days of hardmode!! I would prefer to have urges with everything fully functional than to be in a flat line wondering if I will be asexual forever. However, this post wouldn't be titled the way it is if I plan on giving up. I really enjoy reading from people who had PIED and a long flat line, but came out of it after a period of time. Some people recommend MOing to kick start things, but I don't plan on doing that until I make it at least 90 days. What are your thoughts on this? Has anyone been in a similar situation?

Physically, I feel fine. No morning wood yet. I did have a wet dream, but what ends up happening is that I wake up holding it in, so I really haven't had an orgasm at all this month. I'm going to try and get more sleep. I usually make it to about 7.5-8 hours, but my body really needs 9. I heard that sleeping slightly more can help with recovering. I'm eating really healthy, and going to the gym 5 days a week. I don't drink much, but now that weed is legal in my state, I smoke maybe once a week. I just started stretching more, and plan to meditate for 5 minutes a couple times each day.

It's kind of a boring update. Not much has happened in the 2.5 weeks since I last posted. More and more I'm getting thoughts on whether or not I did permanent damage. Even though I had wired my libido to porn, I was feeling some kind of drive. It was artificial, which is why I stopped (besides the PIED), but part of me thinks about the years and years I wired myself to PMO. I almost forget what it's like to be attracted to someone, or if I ever have been. I have, but it's hard to remember when I haven't had the feeling for a while.

It sucks because there's nothing I can do besides keep going. I'm the kind of person that wants to maximize the benefits and get the quickest recovery possible, but that just isn't the case. This thing I'm going through is very taboo to discuss, and the time frame for recovery is anywhere from one month to two years. This really is my rite of passage. If I recover someday, I'll look back on what I went through and feel invincible. I only say if, because like I said, I'm in a flat line and haven't gotten out of it since day 1. I won't be watching porn. I'm just going to see if this all works out for me. I'll never take sex for granted.

It's quite ostracizing for young men because much of what society discusses relates to sex. You don't really notice it until you find yourself in a position like mine, but when you do, it becomes blatantly apparent. As a result, everyday is a constant reminder that I'm different. Listening to music, watching a movie, or reading a book all contain messages about love and intimacy. I become a third party observer, unable to take part in these activities and forced sit on the sidelines. I feel outcast, almost like I belong to a different species. It's very isolating because sex is something so natural and basic, when you can't perform you feel unwelcome.

It really is such a shame that PIED isn't discussed more outside of this relatively small circle. I'm a pretty conservative, non-risk taking person. I think if I was educated at a young age that PIED might be a possibility in the future, I think it would have been harder for me to start/realize the problem so late. Gary Wilson's TED talk has 12 million views in the 7 years that it's been out. While this video has been critical for many young men, think about how many millions visit popular porn sites every day. I'm not saying porn should be banned, I just think there needs to be more education and research on this problem.

Brothers, thanks for taking the time to read this long post. Let me know your thoughts on what I discussed today. Even though this post became a little bleak, I will stay on my path. I really hope that I can give you guys a good update one of these days. I'm going to post once every 15 days, just to check in and document my thoughts. When you're going through hell, keep going. Good luck.

Zel99 said:

Some people recommend MOing to kick start things, but I don't plan on doing that until I make it at least 90 days. What are your thoughts on this? Has anyone been in a similar situation?

It sucks because there's nothing I can do besides keep going.

It's quite ostracizing for young men because much of what society discusses relates to sex. You don't really notice it until you find yourself in a position like mine, but when you do, it becomes blatantly apparent. As a result, everyday is a constant reminder that I'm different.

It really is such a shame that PIED isn't discussed more outside of this relatively small circle.

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I'll just respond to some of these points. Congratulations on 30 days!

1. I'm pretty firmly in the no-MO camp. For me, PMO all travel together as a group. There's no P without M and there's no M without P. They're two roads that lead to each other. All the same addiction. I know some people have different opinions, but I have also known enough guys here who have tried to go the MO route and then realized it was just a ticket back to relapsing and P that they gave it up too that I feel confident in saying I don't think you stand much to gain with MO.

2. Or is it awesome that there's nothing you can do but keep going? Recovery is about finding a sustainable way to live life. It's all about just going. The longer you go, the less exciting it gets. I remember early on, i was posting every day about how amazing it was that I got through the day without PMO. Now I post about dating, school, and other things because the daily battle with PMO just isn't as eventful as it used to be. That comes with its own set of challenges (like complacency) but it's a lot better than the daily battles from early on.

3. It's tough to realize that you and your life have to be different from other people's because of addiction. It can definitely feel ostracizing. I had a roommate who had a poster of some girl in a bikini on the inside of his door. He was just like, "And this is the pretty lady" like it was no big deal. I spent a long time wondering why something like that was just whatever for him but it would be a disaster for me. I kind of resented it. But I'm coming around to the idea that my normal is not everyone else's normal, and that's okay. I can't have a bikini poster in my room like it's no big deal. I just have to know where I'm vulnerable and live accordingly. Find your normal and don't get too tangled up in comparing yourself with other people.

4. I hear you. I was just reading a news story about someone somewhere wanting to put warning labels on porn (like they do for cigarettes). Of course the porn industry is fighting it as a violation of free speech. But what if every porn site had to tell you about addiction, PIED, messed up relationships, ruined self-image, etc. every time you went to it? What if we treated it like the danger it is and not some thing that's a normal, open secret? I don't know if I can change society, but I know my experience with this addiction will make me be very careful and explicit about talking about this stuff with my future kids. I don't want them to make the same mistake I made just because they didn't know any better.

A long response for a long post. Keep on keepin' on!

Hi, Zel!

30 days, nice work. You have done great and your mindset is focused, I like that.

Zel99 said:

I would prefer to have urges with everything fully functional than to be in a flat line wondering if I will be asexual forever.
Some people recommend MOing to kick start things, but I don't plan on doing that until I make it at least 90 days. What are your thoughts on this? Has anyone been in a similar situation?

Physically, I feel fine. No morning wood yet. I did have a wet dream, but what ends up happening is that I wake up holding it in, so I really haven't had an orgasm at all this month. I'm going to try and get more sleep. I usually make it to about 7.5-8 hours, but my body really needs 9. I heard that sleeping slightly more can help with recovering. I'm eating really healthy, and going to the gym 5 days a week. I don't drink much, but now that weed is legal in my state, I smoke maybe once a week. I just started stretching more, and plan to meditate for 5 minutes a couple times each day.

I almost forget what it's like to be attracted to someone, or if I ever have been. I have, but it's hard to remember when I haven't had the feeling for a while.

It sucks because there's nothing I can do besides keep going. I'm the kind of person that wants to maximize the benefits and get the quickest recovery possible, but that just isn't the case.

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I found your thoughts relatable when making it to 30 days. I've made it here twice, and this is where I'd say be careful.

I found 30 days to start mess with your head just like checkpoints do to marathon runners, especially the half point. First time I made it here I think I relapsed around day 33 or 34, because flat-line felt so unnatural to me. I started listening to the ideas of introducing MOing to kick start things as well and that's when I did. I did it without P and honestly I don't have regrets doing MO at that time, it was a decision, not accidental. However it did feel that everything had reset. I would have urges for the rest of the day and day after that, but purely physical cravings, was not interested in P. Regardless, it's not something I advise early on. I do think people had different reasons for starting this journey, therefore for some it's acceptable to reintroduce MO and for some not. Depends on your experience and severity of addiction up to reboot. But in the first 90 days, resist the urge, it will pop up again in the following days. We can discuss what actions to take after that after you reach 90 days.

I have good news too. Morning woods will return, even if you haven't had them for years. As for your lifestyle choices, I guess all of them will benefit your recovery. And the best part, you will start to see the beauty in real women you know, your friends, acquaintances, women in general. I think a lot of us can relate losing the feeling of being attracted. I don't know the science behind it nor do I actually care, but flat-line definitely from my experience does help with that. I view flat-line as my brain being in a confused state, meaning it's trying to figure out, why you are not cooperating with it (comparing your past values and trying to link new ones).

And I agree with BlueHeronFan: "or it's awesome that there's nothing you can do but keep going". From what I remember you wanted to focus on school and study abroad in Spain. So just focus on that, and keep going with "monk mode" in your PMO journey. I won't be easy but anything worth getting requires some effort.

BlueHeronFan said:

3. It's tough to realize that you and your life have to be different from other people's because of addiction. It can definitely feel ostracizing. I had a roommate who had a poster of some girl in a bikini on the inside of his door. He was just like, "And this is the pretty lady" like it was no big deal. I spent a long time wondering why something like that was just whatever for him but it would be a disaster for me. I kind of resented it. But I'm coming around to the idea that my normal is not everyone else's normal, and that's okay. I can't have a bikini poster in my room like it's no big deal. I just have to know where I'm vulnerable and live accordingly. Find your normal and don't get too tangled up in comparing yourself with other people.

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Yes, I had similar experiences sitting down at friends' computers and seen backgrounds like that but it was way back when I was a full-blown porn addict without even knowing and I was super happy that he liked to keep pictures like that as backgrounds. Now I would have the same reaction like you: "Why the fuck would you like to put a slut as background?" Because I am an addict and I know what all this shit has done to my brain and life. On the other hand, there are some guys who keep posters like that on their walls and they never become addicts. My a-year-older cousin used to watch porn at the same time with me when we were younger than 18 but I've become and addict and he didn't. He is now married with a kid and I am a 29 years old single guy addicted to porn who is too nervous to talk to a girl. I wonder what makes some people become porn addicts and what makes some people not become. I used to be bullied in elementary school, maybe I used porn to cope with this? I don't even know.

I'm pretty firmly in the no-MO camp. For me, PMO all travel together as a group. There's no P without M and there's no M without P. They're two roads that lead to each other. All the same addiction

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I think that's a good idea. I'll be sticking to no MO for now. I heard that Gary sometimes recommends it for those who have been abstaining for over a year, but I'm nowhere near that. Thanks for reading my post as always Blue, it makes me feel good that there are others who care about this issue.

I started listening to the ideas of introducing MOing to kick start things as well and that's when I did...But in the first 90 days, resist the urge, it will pop up again in the following days

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Thanks for the advice. Like with Blue, I agree for the time being. I still hold the same belief that MO might be useful to kickstart things, but that's only if I feel nothing for at least a year. I could try and justify this position all day. I want to reassure you guys that I have no plans to MO in the near future.

Again, I appreciate the comments. Now on to the update:

Day 46!!!

That's right, I have now almost tied my longest streak ever (I think ~48 days last year). There have been some changes recently. I think that about a week after I made my 30 day post, I started coming out of the flat line. I think I might have dipped back in over the last few days, but I don't feel as bad as during the 30 day post.

I want to share something that happened today and yesterday. I was up for ~32 hours yesterday studying for two tests. After I got home I was exhausted and laying in bed. I like reading comics (manga) so I opened my phone and started reading one that I picked up recently. It's mostly filled with action, but it contains sex scenes. As I was reading it, I noticed that it was arousing but didn't think much of it. I was so tired that I put the phone down at 4 P.M. and slept until 4 A.M. I woke up, got dressed and kept reading the manga (it is genuinely really good) but there were still sex scenes. After still being aroused from this, I thought about what I was doing. I think that continuing to read would hinder my progress, so I set my phone down and will not read this particular story again. I'm going to institute a self-rule that if it's not something I should read in front of my parents, then I won't look at it. This was the first sex-related thing I've viewed since I started my reboot. I don't count this as a reset because I didn't look at it for long, it wasn't my intent to look at it, and I didn't MO to it.

This also tell me something important: I've still got a long way to go. If I can sit here and bitch about feeling nothing in real life, but looking at a cartoon excites me, I am not close to being healed yet. It sucks to think that something like that could still interest me, but like I said, I wasn't going to pursue it further. Before I began this journey, I would think that this feeling was normal. Now I know it's messed up beyond belief. This is a 21st century disaster. T.V. shows in the 50s probably tried to predict stuff like, "Future man isn't interested in his wife at home. He prefers his new pixel lady!!"

A couple times a porn thought popped into my mind. I don't pursue them for very long, but I know that it's something that my brain wants. I don't see myself PMOing ever again, but I know for a fact that the porn pathways in my brain are still deeply rooted. I need more time. I've started to get extremely inconsistent MW. It's only happened a couple of times, but I know I don't have venous leak. I also think this reboot is slowly starting to become a part of my life now. It's starting to get boring, which is good. I don't think about it as much, but not in the sense that I'm forgetting it. It's just becoming more of what I do. I believe my flat line comes and goes in short waves. Some days I'll feel nothing, and then others I think I'm getting better. What's helping me is that on the days I feel better, I don't get my hopes up. I know that I'll have more ups and downs, so what happens, happens.

As far as rewiring or dating is concerned, still nothing happening over there. Which...isn't a bad thing. Like I said in one of my previous posts, I want to be healed more before I start going out again. A checklist for me would be to have more consistent MW, make the 90 days, and feel confident that I'm out of the flat line. I'm pretty sure I have a libido, but the example I gave above makes me think that it's still directed towards artificial stimuli. I just think it would be best for me to not pursue anything in the near future.

The only thing I should be concerned about, as far as my progress is concerned, is testing myself. Of course no PMO, but sometimes I'll try and force something. My replies to Blue and Travos are still still valid. I don't want to MO, definitely not now, but sometimes I'll get disheartened with my progress. If I have to force something to happen, it's not natural and I shouldn't do it.

I hope you guys are staying strong as well. I really hope that my number is 60 the next time I post. I never want to be too cocky, so I'll just say this: I'm taking each day at a time, not getting my hopes up, but also trying to avoid MO. I like posting every 15 days, it's a nice little snippet on my progress. I plan to be back at 60, bringing good news. Stay strong guys.

Hey, man, really glad to hear you're still going strong!

I think you're experience with the comic is a valuable one. I can't count the number of times that I was doing something I thought was normal and harmless only to catch myself later coming back to it because it aroused me. That's when you have to make a choice. Now that you're aware of that undercover, addictive motive to read the comic, do you keep doing it anyway, or do you put it down? The way you noticed what was happening and then took decisive action after is super crucial. Pat yourself on the back!

Keep doing what you're doing and take it one day at a time!

I can't count the number of times that I was doing something I thought was normal and harmless only to catch myself later coming back to it because it aroused me

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Thanks for the comment Blue. I've certainly found myself slipping a little this past 15 days, but not nearly as bad as the comic I was reading.

Day 60...

I'm really happy to have made it to 60 days. I won't lie, I've gotten really close to MOing a few times over the past 15 days. I said in the beginning that I would have trouble testing myself, and the prediction is pretty accurate. I caught myself peeking to images on websites only once or twice. I found myself reading what could be considered 'artificial stimulation' maybe once. I think overall I've done a pretty good job of staying on track.

Still no MW, but I don't mind because I know that I've got deep connections to porn pathways. I'll be honest though, I have had a compulsion to read up about venous leak. I'm very frightened that I might have it, but something tells me that it's not the case. My libido isn't fully there. I also sometimes get random erections (20-40%) in lectures for no reason. They go away quickly, which still gives a small doubt that it might be venous leak, but if I really think about it, that doesn't seem right. When I was PMOing every day, I had good erections, and only noticed a dip in quality during college. I can't say that I expected to be healed by day 60, but it's kind of dissapointing to not have definite progress to report. I'm still just moving along.

I remember over the past summer I would habitually bring my phone in the shower EVERY SINGLE DAY and watch my favorite clips to get off. I remember taking a few hits from a dab pen and loading up a video. I loved this routine, but looking back it was very damaging. I think this is where I did the most damage because I paired 2 dopamine releasing activities together, and it only took place in the shower. I was only horny every night before I took a shower, the rest of my life that summer I felt nothing. It's very strange to think about this now. PMOing is so convenient, it's such an easy way to deal with any urges and it's very relaxing. PMOing wasn't a bad thing for 7 years of my life until I wanted to have sex. I would gladly trade those sessions for sexual frustration, or having to get off with my thoughts alone.

I was in a drugs and behavior class today, and we were learning about dopamine's role in the reward system. Dopamine isn't a 'pleasure molecule', it's more for reward. Dopamine helps strengthen pathways to ensure that the behavior is repeated. It's almost hard to believe that I have paired porn and sexual stimulation so much that I don't get excited to the real thing. It kind of makes sense when you really think about it, but how was I supposed to know??? Either way, now that I'm here I'll just keep abstaining for life.

I think progress for me is regaining the ability to get excited by sexual stimuli more and more. What I mean by this is that once every few days I get sexual thoughts and am ~60% down there. This only happens infrequently. I hope that as time goes on, I can get a greater percentage and be able to get excited most of the time. If that makes any sense...

Another long post...just had to get my thoughts out. 75 is next!

It all sounds like good stuff. You're learning, reflecting, and staying committed. Of course you'll have little slips here and there. That's not to say you should let yourself slip, but you also shouldn't get too upset with yourself when you do. Look at the trendlines, not the individual mistakes.

What you said about dopamine is important. I remember hearing about how it is the chemical responsible for craving. That's why people get into edging and playing the "how close to relapse can I get without actually relapsing" game. It keep us in a state of anticipation and craving. In comparison, the actual pleasure of PMO can seem like a letdown when the anticipation is over.

The good news is that we start building new pathways and readjusting our brain chemistry every time we make a different choice. It's definitely not immediate, but it is real physical change in the brain and body. And that's definitely worth the continued commitment to recovery.

Good luck on the next 15!

When you were able to get an erection with porn, but not without, you have a definite answer about VL. Also when the erection was better with porn, compared to just M, its a very good indicator.
For me it was/is a little bit tricky, but then i ask myself

- why do you have such a difficult time to stop watching porn?
- maybe you have seen already some improvements. How is that?
- even if its not pied, its still too much of a risk of doing it.

I am telling you this, because with this whole VL vs PIED thing my unconsciouss tried to convince me to watch porn again. And this really is no option.
So if you are unsure, find a doctor, who can make the diagnosis.
I had a surgery which didnt help and still my brain tried to convince me, that i am just one of this poor bastards, on which the surgery doesnt help, which is very very uncommon. But even if so, then quitting porn is my only hope. If i dont go this path, i will always be in doubt.

Hope that can help you.

Thanks to everyone posting.
This forum has been so helpful for me in not feeling alone and has convinced me to go without M and O in addition to no P, which I think is needed in my case.
This post thread in particular has been very good to read.
Thanks again.

I am telling you this, because with this whole VL vs PIED thing my unconsciouss tried to convince me to watch porn again. And this really is no option

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Haha, I appreciate the comment Jeks. Part of the reason I was concerned about VL is because of reading your post. Afterwards, I searched the internet about VL and its symptoms. However, after reading what you said, some of my fears were lessened. I found the update you had when you knew you didn't have VL to be very amazing. I remember thinking that I could be in your position too, thinking that I have VL when I really don't. Thanks for your input, it's helped more than you know.

This post thread in particular has been very good to read

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I only hope that others read my posts and join us if they have problems. I've been reading your posts as well. Let's keep going.

Of course you'll have little slips here and there

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I think this is the most important thing, Blue. I'll try to keep it in mind. I'm doing better with lessening the small slip-ups I've been having.

Day 75:

This is the first update where I feel like I've made tangible progress. A few days after posting the 60 days update I started to get some MW. I was shocked to wake up to very strong MW on days 62 and 63, especially after what I wrote in the previous update. I'm starting to lean towards no VL now, but I'm not throwing away the possibility. My erections still subside pretty quickly when I do get them, but I'm working on kegels to help. I keep track of days I have MW, and I have been getting them almost more days than not. However, this is not strong MW, just far better than previously (which was 0 MW). I think this is telling me that I'm showing physical recovery from PMO addiction. I'll get to the mental side of things later on. I'm just really happy that I have seen SOME progress.

I once again got very close to MOing a few times. I am not sure, but I think MOing would halt my progress, not set me back. I will try my absolute best to stay in hard mode. Exiting the flatline makes it difficult to maintain hard mode, but as I said in an earlier post, I would much prefer to have extreme urges and not act upon them than to not have any drive. I am grateful to have seen some progress. I know I am very far from being recovered, so I will not be leaving any time soon. I plan to reevaluate more around the 120 day mark. I think 90 is too soon. As I said, I expect to return to a flatline a few more times until I?m recovered. It took Gabe many months until he was fully recovered. I want to be 100% confident I can perform without any drugs. Completely natural. I do not have that confidence yet. I think I still need to be in the right situation to be ready.

It seems like I keep bouncing in and out of a flatline. This time it's more on the average of 3-4 days of some libido, followed by 10 days of flatline. Nothing really excites me as of writing this. Although I will report that some fetishes are starting to dissipate as well. It's almost as if I'm cleaning the hard drive of my mind. A factory reset has to occur. Everything gets wiped out, including vanilla attractions, and then I can start installing the default settings. Flatlines are such a double-edged sword because it gives me time to recover with little possibility of relapse, but also gives me anxiety and self-doubt about my progress. It's interesting to compare my mentality during the days where I have some libido to days where I'm in a flatline. I wrote notes last week when I was out of the flatline, and I had much more excitement and enthusiasm about the reboot. Today is more toned down, I recognize that I've seen progress, but the flatline still messes with my head.

I had an opportunity to have sex last week but decided not to pursue it. I did take some viagra just in case something happened. The girl I mentioned earlier and I were hanging out in her room, and I had an erection (managed to hide it). This gave me confidence that I could at least perform with the use of drugs if need be, but I didn't feel like I was ready. I don't think I would have been set back if I had sex, but I don't want to be dependent on a drug. I'll always keep some with me for confidence, but I really do not want to use it if I don't have to. Previously I could not get anything downstairs if I used a viagra, which is common for those with PIED. If I have to use viagra for the rest of my life, then so be it. At least I can have relationships and a normal social life, but the reason I'm still rebooting is because I want to change this.

This is the first post I've made since being on lock-down due to the coronavirus. Being at home away from school will give me time to heal. Living close to that girl at school is partly what caused me to test myself as often as I did. I would try to see how I was recovering because I knew that I would be hanging out with her once a week. Now that I know we won't see each other for a while, I feel more at ease with being in flatlines and refraining from testing so much.

I mentioned last time that I have this window of being able to perform. I think that this window is starting to grow. I find myself being in the mood more often, and having the ability to perform easier. I will never know until I try, but I?d still like to wait until 120 to see if I?m ready. If I am recovered by then I will consider myself truly lucky. With the damage I've done I know I could be one of those who takes a full year or more to recover. It?s entirely possible that I?m overestimating my progress. I will not get my hopes up and am going to maintain hard mode for as long as possible. Today is the day that I think I can see a future where I?m recovered. How long it will take to get there, I just don?t know. I?m going to take my recent success as a motivator to continue going. Stay strong guys, I'll see you all at 90 days!

90 Days:

I fucked up and MOd a few times. God damn it. Nothing to porn, but I didn't make it 90 days hard mode. I'm still going to try to not MO as much as possible. Just reading the previous post, I was too cocky. It was amazing to feel some sort of progress, I don't think I lost any progress, just halted for a while. My sleep has been so wacky that I can't tell anything about MW. Just a small update. Not going to celebrate since I feel kind of shitty about MOing 4x in the past 15 days. It was definitely a chaser effect brought on by a WD one night. Since then it's been easier for me to justify MOing. If it happened during a WD, then what's the harm of MOing the day after? This turned into other sessions of MO. I still have a long way to go. Not going to give up though. See you guys at 105.

Ok, quick update. I haven't been watching porn, but have been masturbating and testing myself. I don't know what I was thinking and was definitely seeking opinions that MOing is good. Restarting hard mode/monk mode streak since July 1. No touching, thoughts, nothing. Inconsistent MW so far, but my sleep has been bad. I have no set time schedule to expect progress. It'd be nice to be recovered in 6 months to a year like Gabe, but I will go for 2 years monk mode if that's what it takes. Longer if I have to

I don't think my progress was reset to when I started, but MOing has halted/regressed progress in my opinion. I'll just have to try again and trust the process. Reading success stories is keeping me going.

I hope 6 months from now I can say I've made some progress. Let me know what you guys think. Later

Zel99,
I hope you have found progress since this last post.
Your detail is amazing and I enjoy reading about your journey.
Good luck!