thenickelphoenix
Member
This is the hardest thing I've ever had to write out. But here goes nothing.
I'm married, an average 35 year old dude. I work in a blue collar trade by day, and a musician by night. We own 2 dogs. I work out regularly. You'd think looking from the outside in that I'm a very average guy. But ... sighs ... I'm a very sick puppy.
I'm not a criminal, I'm not sick to a point that you'd see any of my behaviours or "P" viewing habits on an episode of the TV show "Criminal Minds". No nothing of that nature. Let's just avoid any and all triggers by summarizing my life experience and viewing habits over the last 23 years like this: Just think of me as a walking encyclopedia of "fetish" and "BDSM" knowledge.
My story begins in my childhood. A freak accident in my childhood caused me to develop a fetish in my puberty years. Again, nothing illegal or criminal. It's just something of a "niche" fetish. I'm not really comfortable to discuss... even in a forum like this. Plus you never know... could be someone else's trigger too. I feel it is however important to discuss this on this initial post of my journal on here. Because I am somewhat unique in the sense that this existed and was hard wired in my brain long before any of my exposure to P, and PMO habits. When P came into my life, it took this Fetish of mine and was like dumping gasoline into a fire. It was a green light for it to become a gateway to explore anything and everything from the world of "kink". That's about all I'm willing to share in a public post. I'm willing to share more in private conversations if anyone is interested in my story.
So why am I finally waking up and walking away from all this?
When I was 23-25. I was a warrior. There is no other word in the english language to define me. I was fearless and bullet proof. I was so, SO very confident. I lost 97 pounds over those two years. I was in the gym 6 days a week, and ran/jogged 30km per week (average). I was the embodiment of Zen, Calm, Serene, Ice cold Stoic Calm. I was well on my way to being what a person from the outside looking in would describe as a true and true, pound for pound Alpha Male. In the summer of '07 I Had a thirst for enlightenment. I self-read and self-studied topics like Mysticism, Philosophy, Theology, Physics, Metaphysics, Sacred Geometry, etc etc... Seriously... I'm not even kidding. I was like a Warrior Monk.
In those two years of my life, The weight loss goals just drove me like a mad man into an obsession that took over my entire being cell by cell. Hair tip to Toe nails. That obsession overrided everything else in my life. Even my long standing fetish indulgences (let's call that FMO) and PMO habits. They fell to the way side drastically in those years. My drugs of choice were "runners high" and weightlifting "BURN". It still happened from time to time. But very VERY little. We are talking weeks or months between PMO and FMO indulgences. In that summer of '07 on that spiritual trip I think I might have been close to 3 months with no O at all. Just didn't feel like it, sex wasn't on my mind at all. I was at peace and content with exploring the deeper meanings and vast richness of the human experience. I was the type of person that could appreciate Waterfalls, Nature, Beaches, Heavy Rainfall, The ebb and flow of tides, the wax and wane of the moon. A good cone of Ice Cream? A real connection to reality and the real world.
Sighs. So what the hell happened to that guy? It's a sad reality. But somewhere in the last 10 years I've let the old habits back in and completely destroy that guy, and my life. I am in shock and disbelief as I write this and look back to where I was, and what I've allowed myself to become. I am nothing but an empty and completely e-masculated shell of that man I was becoming. A walking dead zombie like junkie. I am completely disgusted with myself for the first time in years. It's one thing to never have felt ... "transcendence" like I did and be stuck in this addiction. But I was there man. This is no lie. I have pictures of that guy beating the living snot out of heavy bags in boxing gyms. Leg Pressing 500lbs. Running 5ks in Competition... Sighs. I have no excuse to have allowed myself to be where I am today. So, yes. I am sick. I have a disease. It has a name. I'm an addict.
They say these journals need goals. Well, boys and girls. How'd you like to see a Phoenix go through a real life re-birth and fly again?... I know I want it more then I wish to draw my next breath. The last time I've wanted something this bad, I lost nearly 100lbs. I hope that deep down somewhere inside me that old warrior is still alive in there and has enough fuel in the tank for one more kick at the old can. I know there is only one way out of the shit show. Before ending up in the blue collar trades I took a Police Science course when I was 19. So I have enough psychology knowledge under my belt to know that this part of my brain looks like a Chemical Alphabet soup right now.
Personal goal counters. PMO for me will also include any fet/kink relapses. Just regular MO? Yah. I see it as very important as well. I'm challenging myself to a 90 day run of NO O at all. Starting today. After that I'll use an MO counter on here as a very serious caution light to keep me accountable.
As of Today:
PMO FREE: 12 Days
FMO FREE: 27 Days
MO FREE: 0 Days
90 Day NO O: (0/90).
I'm married, an average 35 year old dude. I work in a blue collar trade by day, and a musician by night. We own 2 dogs. I work out regularly. You'd think looking from the outside in that I'm a very average guy. But ... sighs ... I'm a very sick puppy.
I'm not a criminal, I'm not sick to a point that you'd see any of my behaviours or "P" viewing habits on an episode of the TV show "Criminal Minds". No nothing of that nature. Let's just avoid any and all triggers by summarizing my life experience and viewing habits over the last 23 years like this: Just think of me as a walking encyclopedia of "fetish" and "BDSM" knowledge.
My story begins in my childhood. A freak accident in my childhood caused me to develop a fetish in my puberty years. Again, nothing illegal or criminal. It's just something of a "niche" fetish. I'm not really comfortable to discuss... even in a forum like this. Plus you never know... could be someone else's trigger too. I feel it is however important to discuss this on this initial post of my journal on here. Because I am somewhat unique in the sense that this existed and was hard wired in my brain long before any of my exposure to P, and PMO habits. When P came into my life, it took this Fetish of mine and was like dumping gasoline into a fire. It was a green light for it to become a gateway to explore anything and everything from the world of "kink". That's about all I'm willing to share in a public post. I'm willing to share more in private conversations if anyone is interested in my story.
So why am I finally waking up and walking away from all this?
When I was 23-25. I was a warrior. There is no other word in the english language to define me. I was fearless and bullet proof. I was so, SO very confident. I lost 97 pounds over those two years. I was in the gym 6 days a week, and ran/jogged 30km per week (average). I was the embodiment of Zen, Calm, Serene, Ice cold Stoic Calm. I was well on my way to being what a person from the outside looking in would describe as a true and true, pound for pound Alpha Male. In the summer of '07 I Had a thirst for enlightenment. I self-read and self-studied topics like Mysticism, Philosophy, Theology, Physics, Metaphysics, Sacred Geometry, etc etc... Seriously... I'm not even kidding. I was like a Warrior Monk.
In those two years of my life, The weight loss goals just drove me like a mad man into an obsession that took over my entire being cell by cell. Hair tip to Toe nails. That obsession overrided everything else in my life. Even my long standing fetish indulgences (let's call that FMO) and PMO habits. They fell to the way side drastically in those years. My drugs of choice were "runners high" and weightlifting "BURN". It still happened from time to time. But very VERY little. We are talking weeks or months between PMO and FMO indulgences. In that summer of '07 on that spiritual trip I think I might have been close to 3 months with no O at all. Just didn't feel like it, sex wasn't on my mind at all. I was at peace and content with exploring the deeper meanings and vast richness of the human experience. I was the type of person that could appreciate Waterfalls, Nature, Beaches, Heavy Rainfall, The ebb and flow of tides, the wax and wane of the moon. A good cone of Ice Cream? A real connection to reality and the real world.
Sighs. So what the hell happened to that guy? It's a sad reality. But somewhere in the last 10 years I've let the old habits back in and completely destroy that guy, and my life. I am in shock and disbelief as I write this and look back to where I was, and what I've allowed myself to become. I am nothing but an empty and completely e-masculated shell of that man I was becoming. A walking dead zombie like junkie. I am completely disgusted with myself for the first time in years. It's one thing to never have felt ... "transcendence" like I did and be stuck in this addiction. But I was there man. This is no lie. I have pictures of that guy beating the living snot out of heavy bags in boxing gyms. Leg Pressing 500lbs. Running 5ks in Competition... Sighs. I have no excuse to have allowed myself to be where I am today. So, yes. I am sick. I have a disease. It has a name. I'm an addict.
They say these journals need goals. Well, boys and girls. How'd you like to see a Phoenix go through a real life re-birth and fly again?... I know I want it more then I wish to draw my next breath. The last time I've wanted something this bad, I lost nearly 100lbs. I hope that deep down somewhere inside me that old warrior is still alive in there and has enough fuel in the tank for one more kick at the old can. I know there is only one way out of the shit show. Before ending up in the blue collar trades I took a Police Science course when I was 19. So I have enough psychology knowledge under my belt to know that this part of my brain looks like a Chemical Alphabet soup right now.
Personal goal counters. PMO for me will also include any fet/kink relapses. Just regular MO? Yah. I see it as very important as well. I'm challenging myself to a 90 day run of NO O at all. Starting today. After that I'll use an MO counter on here as a very serious caution light to keep me accountable.
As of Today:
PMO FREE: 12 Days
FMO FREE: 27 Days
MO FREE: 0 Days
90 Day NO O: (0/90).
There is healing taking place I can feel it, and it's a huge motivation to stay on the wagon.