begin again

So I came here a few months ago. I realized I had a problem. It took a while because for most of my life, porn = sex. I never had much of the real thing, which is another discussion. But a few months ago I met a girl, we hooked up. And I finally realized that porn is not sex. The most profound thing I discovered was that porn can ruin real sex, which was contrary to what I though.

Anyway, after that night. I decided that porn had ruined my perception of real intimacy, and also decided that I would start to work towards a life free from the desire to use porn as a substitute for real sex.

I went almost 50 days without porn/fapping.

It was easy, I had no desire to watch porn. I still wanted to masturbate but everything I had read said to cut out masturbation for a time period as well. Then I relapsed. About 3 weeks ago. Then I stopped. Then I relapsed this week. A lot. On both last week and this week there were two things in common: I didn't know why anymore; like what the heck am I doing this for? So I thought fuck it why not. Jerking off after almost two months felt great. And I didn't need porn to help me finish, but the point is that I wanted to watch porn as well. And that after a while I could no longer resist the urge to PMO.

So I'm starting this journal, I think its a good way to keep track of my thoughts. Feel free to comment/share your own experiences.

This week sucked. Came back from a long trip. I realized my triggers are anger/frustration. I have been practicing qigong for about two months now. It helps a lot!  However it doesn't just magically enlighten you.

The truth is that life gets you down, and its important to realize that you are above it. Let these negative feelings pass through you, soon enough they will be gone.

Seriously this week is no good. I'm forget why I came here in the first place. I'm just frustrated, and it makes me want to PMO. I did it this morning. It seems like the light at the end of the tunnel is far away, and I feel like I'm not 100% ready to stop. But I know deep down that this is the right thing to do, and I have seen videos of people sharing their success story and I believe that I'll experience the same if I can do the 90 day challenge. I know that it is entirely up to me whether I make it or not, and whether or not I feel 100% ready, I think I'm at least ready to give it another shot. No pun intended lol.

Ughhh, I hope I can get at least some of my errands done today....file an insurance claim, change my oil...i think that's it lol. But the days are shorter now, and its been raining for the last few days. Makes it harder to do stuff outdoors.

PS - blasting YES is awesome when you're working!

If anyone is reading this, is there a way to jump straight to your posts? I keep having to scroll through the forum to get to my post....

NVM I just found it.

4 days strong.
This weekend was a blast! But I didn't blast 
Went out of town, and met a few famous musicians.

I have been thinking about what a relapse is. If you accidentally see something that triggers you, does that count? Does that mean that you blew your streak? Surely not, and I've just finished watching some videos that agree with my thoughts. And I just realized that a triggering situation can lead to a relapse but ONLY IF YOU ALLOW IT. I used to think that accidentally coming across porn, be it an ad, or flipping through channels, was as good as a relapse, and then I would think "OK screw it" and then PMO. Today that changed.

I almost relapsed today. I was going through facebook and a friend of mine posted a video of something, facebook isn't supposed to show nudity but I guess this one made it through. I thought "well OK then. I just relapsed. lets follow through." And then something stopped me. I remembered that it is only the initial high from the first picture or video that I feel, everything else after that is nothing. I remembered that now that I have made the decision to quit, 20 or 30 minutes of cheap thrills isn't worth feeling like shit for the rest of the day. I remembered that if I ever want to be able to truly enjoy real sex I would need to remove the attachment to porn which I have had for most of my life. So I didn't do anything. I closed the video and then came here.

As obvious as this may seem, one of the best ways to fight the urge is not to fight it at all. Face it, experience it. And then just let it pass, because it will pass.

I'm going to exercise for about 20 mins and then make dinner. another day down. Today was still a pretty boring day, but I'll take boring any day over depressing.

I relapsed on sunday, and again yesterday.

I was just really depressed for almost the whole of last week. And I guess I just needed that rush of dopamine to help me forget. I'm not disappointed or angry at myself, because this is a journey that we are all on. And sometimes you slip up. I have to remind myself that it is easy to abstain from porn or fapping when things are good, but when life gets tough is when it is most important to be vigilant and to remind yourself what is really important.

But I am noticing changes in myself since having made the decision to quit porn. I feel more confident when it comes to women, and I am not as stressed out as I used to be. I'm also going to exercise more. I wanna actually have a six pack for the warmer weather next year.

Failing to succeed does not mean failing to progress.

Ugghh. Almost relapsed today. I have been stressed out. And haven't exercised or practiced qigong in a few days. I needed something to take my mind off. So I went and looked up some stuff I shouldn't have looked up. I didn't watch any videos, but I saw the thumbnails.

I wanted to just go through with it, but then I remembered that things like this happen, and that I need to just let it pass. Whatever is stressing me out will, pass. The desire to watch porn will pass. I have to be above all this and know that if I can subdue my desires I will be a better person. Porn isn't bad, but too much of anything is no good.

So here I am, I was able to let the urge pass and I feel pretty dam good right now. I might not make it to 90 days (i'm just gonna try for 30 and see how that goes) but I think I made it today.

Welcome to the forum.

I almost relapsed today. I was going through facebook and a friend of mine posted a video of something, facebook isn't supposed to show nudity but I guess this one made it through. I thought "well OK then. I just relapsed. lets follow through." And then something stopped me. I remembered that it is only the initial high from the first picture or video that I feel, everything else after that is nothing. I remembered that now that I have made the decision to quit, 20 or 30 minutes of cheap thrills isn't worth feeling like shit for the rest of the day

Click to expand...

That's a really important discovery. You don't need to eat the whole plate after a taste of the chocolate. Temptations and triggers are everywhere. You can avoid them to a certain degree but not completely (even as a munk) but you must learn how to handle them!

imaquitter said:

Welcome to the forum.

That's a really important discovery. You don't need to eat the whole plate after a taste of the chocolate. Temptations and triggers are everywhere. You can avoid them to a certain degree but not completely (even as a munk) but you must learn how to handle them!

Click to expand...

Thanks for that, I agree. I think a big obstacle for a lot of rebooters is that we put too much pressure on ourselves (I MUST stop watching porn, I MUST not PMO...or else!!) and having that kind of attitude not only sets one up for failure, but makes a person hate themselves when they inevitably do relapse. We should embrace our addiction, that is, admit to ourselves that it is a part of us, but that it was not always a part of us and can be gotten rid of. And also realize that rebooting is not a contest or prize, but a journey toward a lifestyle free from the desire to masturbate to porn.

Everybody relapses; we all do. It's not a mistake, just something that happens. The only mistake is to stop trying.

Thanks for reading, keep the comments coming!

Thanks for that, I agree. I think a big obstacle for a lot of rebooters is that we put too much pressure on ourselves (I MUST stop watching porn, I MUST not PMO...or else!!) and having that kind of attitude not only sets one up for failure, but makes a person hate themselves when they inevitably do relapse. We should embrace our addiction, that is, admit to ourselves that it is a part of us, but that it was not always a part of us and can be gotten rid of. And also realize that rebooting is not a contest or prize, but a journey toward a lifestyle free from the desire to masturbate to porn.

Everybody relapses; we all do. It's not a mistake, just something that happens. The only mistake is to stop trying.

Thanks for reading, keep the comments coming!

Click to expand...

This is an important reflection. We could become obsessed with quitting and doing this hasn't worked for me. I've even stopped counting the days cause I was obsessed with this too. If you keep obsessing about "I must quit porn!" it becomes very frustrating when you fail. Actually, obsessing about days used to make me see a relapse like "going back to day 1" and I got very mad because I was back at day 1 and had lost 2 weeks, missing the progress that I had made in these 2 weeks, actually.

Still going strong! I'm not really keeping track of days anymore. Things are looking pretty good right now. I have a new job, and I met somebody! So there hasn't been any PMO'ing but I have been having sex regularly. She's really amazing. Since meeting her, my desire to watch porn has all but vanished. Real sex is completely different from masturbating to porn. One is like a home cooked meal, the other is like fast food.

Stay strong everyone, each day is an opportunity to succeed.