Searching for the Light at the end of the tunnel

I am starting this blog in hopes that it will help me stay focused on my goal of overcoming at least what I think is PIED.

Background

I recently turned thirty-two (32) years old and suffer from PIED. I started masturbating sometime around the age of 13 or 14. From my first masturbation session, I was hooked. I would masturbate at least 4 or 5 times a day. It was not uncommon for me to masturbate 10 times a day.  Even in my younger days (18 and 19), I can remember on some days my penis being so exhausted and soft, however, I would still force an orgasm. I would masturbate to porn or my imagination as often as I could. There were many times where I would masturbate while my penis was soft.

At twenty-two years old I lost my virginity. It was a one-time thing with a random girl. I was able to perform fine. I guess the power of youth helped me overcome any damage I had caused.

After that, I have had very little sexual experiences in my life.

The first red flag was when I was twenty-five (25). A girl tried to give me a BJ and while I initially got hard I eventually went soft. At the time I thought to myself "refrain from masturbation for a couple of weeks and I will be fine". Sexual opportunities weren't exactly knocking on my door so I never did.

A few years later at twenty-eight (28), I got really lucky when two different girls on consecutive nights wanted to have sex with me. Sadly both times I couldn't perform. Soon after I noticed I could no longer get hard in any situation watching porn, fantasizing. No morning wood or nocturnal erections.

Attempts at refraining from PMO.

I don't know exactly why but sometime in the summer of 2016 something inside me thought to myself that I am masturbating way too much and it was time to do something about it. I looked online and found the nofap community.

July 2016 to December 2016.
I would refrain from PMO at most 2 to 3 weeks at a time. If I was lucky I would make it 25 days. If I did relapse I would binge on PMO for days.

January 2017 to Mid March 2017
One of my best streaks ever. I made it about seventy-five days (75). I really did feel some improvements towards the end of the streak. So much so that I decided to test myself and that is when I relapsed.

Mid-March 2017 to Mid-July 2017
Half-hearted streaks some as longs as sixty days. I am not sure the streaks were even that good. On some of the streaks, I would edge mentally and some I would edge to porn. Really the streaks were about refraining from O and P most of the time but not a true abstinence from PMO. I realized that refraining from edging/M is just as, if not more, difficult for me than from refraining from P.

My Last  Streak

I made it for 87 days. The first sixty days were the best I have ever had. No P, no edging/M and no O. After sixty (60) days I would, every few days, test myself. I would masturbate to natural situations but never O.  I rationalized edging/M by telling myself I needed to do it to measure my progress. In retrospective, I feel that hindered my recovery. Having said that I was still noticing improvements. My nocturnal erections became much stronger. To be honest they felt like the real deal.  When I would make out with a girl I would get firm erections. So I decided to try and have sex on day 87.
***Warning***
***Might contain triggers***
I was making out with a girl and I got a solid erection. I went down on her and lost my erection. I got her to give me handjob/BJ, however, it never became fully erect again and we stopped trying.
***Trigger Over***

After that failed attempt I got discouraged and masturbated and O'd to P. It was just the one time and so begins my new streak.

With this daily journal, I hope that it reminds me every day to refrain from edging/M as well the P and O.

Day 1

I woke up this morning and noticed I was semi-erect. I was not as hard as I was during the end of my last streak. It was a little depressing realizing I have lost so much progress and that I have to start from Day 1. I meditated for 40 minutes today in two twenty minute intervals. My penis for the most part feels lifeless. I didn't even touch my penis once. I would give myself an A+ for refraining from PMO for today.

Day 2

I woke up this morning with what I would consider a 30% erection. I am saddened by the amount of progress I have lost. I hope I didn't lose all of the progress I gained from my last streak.
I have to be more mentally active in staying positive. A new streak is a new opportunity to be better.

I didn't really have any urges to masturbate or even look at porn. Sexual thoughts crossed my mind a few of times during the day but I was able to move on with them pretty easily.

I again meditated for 40 minutes in two twenty minute intervals.

Abstaining from PMO GRADE for today: A+

Day 3

Again a weak erection at night but it is okay because I know that eventually, it will get stronger. No real desires or urges to watch porn or masturbate. I believe I might be in a flatline. However, I am unsure. I again meditated for 40 minutes at two 20 minute intervals.

Daily grade for refraining from PMO: A+

It could be a flatline, they usually hit the day after or a few days after a relapse. I say, enjoy it!
With all the trouble your cock has given you over the years, it should be a delight to just let it flop there!
Youve got some impressive streaks there in your reboot history. After a long stretch it seems like you use PMO as a reward for not PMOing? That old trick. Any other triggers?

Thank you for the post Reformed Fapper. I really appreciate someone taking in interest. Your question is a good one and actually really helpful. I have thought about it in the past but never put it down in writing and as a result sometimes I forget what my triggers are.

Right now my most troublesome triggers are what I will call

Dangerous Triggers

Failure at Sex
When I attempt to have sex and fail I will end up PMOing. When I am not able to have sex I get really depressed and lose hope. It makes me think what is the point of abstaining from PMO. Especially when I am at the end of a long streak. I have noticed that this feeling of sadness and loss of hope only lasts the day. So next time it happens I will just go out and visit some friends or wander the streets. I will also need to read some positive affirmations.

Testing my self
This has come in many different forms. Sometimes I will do it because I want to see the progress I have made. Other times I will do it because I am worried that it stops working. Inevitably it leads me to, at the very least, M and Oing. My brain usually plays this trick between day 60 to day 80. This time from day 60 to day 90 I will make a concerted effort not to even touch my penis during this period.

Triggers that don't effect me as much as before

Playing Video games

I know it sounds a bit weird but after playing video games I would usually PMO during my PMO days. I think I had wired my PMO with video games. I still play video games but am sure not to P or M afterwards. I usually go for a cold shower. It has worked and I think I have uncoupled the two.

These are old triggers that used to set me off but now I can easily avoid.

Old Triggers

Sexy Images
Sexy commercials
Movies
TV shows
General Urges

Day 4

I woke up in the middle of the night with an erection. I would say it was at about 60 to 70 percent. I squeezed it a few times to check. Not happy about the touching my penis part but I don't remember much because I was half asleep. I only meditated 20 minutes. I also made out with a girl today. I did get an erection again probably 60 to 70 percent. I didn't try to have sex though and cut the kissing short because I didn't think I could perform. I had a few sexual thoughts but I let them come and go.

Daily Grade for Abstaining from PMO: B-

Day 5

Woke up with a decent erection in the morning. I also made out with a girl however my penis had no reaction whatsoever. Only meditated for about 15 minutes today.

Daily Grade for abstaining from PMO: B-

Its good to be staunch with yourself and give yourself an evaluation on your progress each day, but the way I see it, any day in which you dont look at porn is an A+ day.

I again thank you, reformed fapper, for taking in interest in my recovery and being supportive. Your comments really help me engage in this process in a much more positive way. Writing about my progress has provided motivation and to view this streak in a much more positive way. In previous streaks I used to just sit back and read successful rebooting accounts or  articles on ybop. Sometimes they were helpful and sometimes they were not. I wondered whether would I recover like those people in the rebooting accounts and whether the articles were even applicable. Writing about the streak lets me truly take it one day at a time and live in the moment positively. I know that is not the best description.

With respect to your comment, I see your point and in reality your analysis is more rationale than the grading "criteria" I use. I think most, if not all, would agree that the critical factor when it comes to curing PIED is abstaining from PMO. Therefore it is well reasoned and rationale to put the most weight in any daily grading system on the ability for one to refrain from PMO.

However, I also want to supplement the recovery with actions or non-actions people have said had helped them in their recovery such as meditation, exercise, learning and instrument/language. Taking it a step back and giving it some thought I am being a little to staunch but I want the mental supplements to have some weight so I will re calibrate my scale.

Day 6

I felt my morning erection was not as strong as the previous day but I was still happy to see it. I meditated for about 20 minutes today. I had an urge to masturbate but my penis was completely lifeless.

Daily grade for abstaining from PMO: A-

Day 7

I completed my first week of a new streak yesterday. I feel really proud to be writing this post. I am always proud of my self every time I complete a week. There is something mentally encouraging with thinking that you have been abstaining with weeks instead of days.

My morning wood was quite strong. Almost as strong as it was during the end of my last streak. I had a lot of urges to masturbate throughout the day. They were surprisingly difficult to resist but I was able to manage. I was thinking about writing a difficulty post to help me but didn't. I also went to ybop.com and read about flatline. I meditated for 20 minutes yesterday.

Daily Grade for Abstaining from PMO: A-

Day 8

Woke up with really strong morning wood. Had a few urges to masturbate but I was able to avoid them fairly easily. I made out with a girl today and my dick was completely lifeless. Meditated for 20 minutes today.

Daily grade for abstaining from PMO: A-

Day 9

Didn't feel to well all day. Felt like I was coming down with something. No morning erection. A lot of doubt crept in to my mind today. I have to stay more positive.

Daily Grade for abstaining form PMO: B

Day 10

My morning wood was at about 60%. I have some family staying over and I have been super busy with them. On the good side they have been keeping me really busy and kept my focus off PMO. On the downside I haven't found time to meditate for two days in a row. Keep moving forward.

Daily grade for abstaining from PMO: B

Day 11

Woke up with about 50% of an erection. Libido feels real low. Meditated for about 15 minutes. I felt really depressed through out the day.

Daily Grade for Abstaining from PMO: A-

Day 12

I woke up this morning with some morning mood. I was still feeling a bit tired so I decided to sleep a little bit more. I felt like I was half asleep and I can't exactly tell if I was actively fantasizing or if I was having a dream. Whatever it was (fantasy or dream) they were sexual in nature and caused me to have a decent erection. I think it was caused by a dream because I am confident that if I tried to fantasize right now that I wouldn't be able to muster a semi erection.

Meditated for about 10 minutes.

Also had a chance to make out with a girl.Making out with a girl had no effect on the little guy.

Daily Grade for Abstaining from PMO: A-

Day 13

Woke up with a weak erection. I meditated for about 20 minutes. I feel like nothing can give me an erection right now. I hate being in a flatline.

Daily Grade for Abstaining from PMO: A

Day 14

I am really happy to have completed 2 weeks. I will celebrate this Friday by going out and having a nice dinner with some friends. Still in a flatline. It can be depressing but I am actively keeping myself motivated. Meditated for about 15 minutes.

Daily Grade for Abstaining from PMO: A-

Day 15

I woke up with a weak erection. Again I feel like I am in a deep flatline. I think I am more addicted to masturbation than porn. I don't really have cravings or urges to watch porn but I still get urges to Masturbate. I was able to meditate for about 20 minutes. Keep moving forward.

Daily Grade of Abstaining from PMO: A

Day 16

Can't remember if I woke up with any morning wood. I meditated for about 15 minutes. Had a couple of urges to masturbate but easily fended them off.

Daily grade for abstaining from PMO: A-