Author Topic: 2 weeks and counting  (Read 7252 times)

metal22

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Re: 2 weeks and counting
« Reply #75 on: April 13, 2017, 05:54:33 AM »
I'm back!  I'm feeling bad that I haven't been making staying on here a priority.  I still need help and support,  and I need to be giving it to others.  Had a discussion with my SO last night and she brought up me not being present on this site.  Yes,  I have a laundry list of excuses but bottom line is I wasn't making it a priority.
Summer is coming and she had a trigger that she brought up to me.  Honestly,  since the move and all the things around that I hadn't given it thought,  but yes triggers for me are going to be more and more present.  I'm a ways down the recovery road,  but that's not to say I'm invincible to a relapse,  or at least oogling b/c my guard is down.
So far though things are going well.  I'm starting to make friends,  and trying to be a new me.  I'm working towards being a happy,  friendly man of integrity who wouldn't stoop to levels I have done before.  Being in a new environment,  with the daily habits pretty much wiped clean has really helped me forge myself into the new person.  I think it worries my SO though,  and she mentioned she does miss the quieter,  less bold me.
I will stay on here, and keep updating.   I hope that maybe I can be a "case study" of sorts for others if they chose to move to help beat their PA.

Gracie

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Re: 2 weeks and counting
« Reply #76 on: April 13, 2017, 06:39:12 AM »
Good to see you back!  I think once we wives are on the porn addict roller coaster, we see every little nuance of behavior change, we feel the changes in mood more acutely.  We say something because we don't want to go back there again. It is too painful.  I know with my husband he says he will never be that man again.  Then we are sitting eating a meal and his "type" walks by and boom he stares at her butt.  No other body part of her exists at that moment.  He gets a look on his face.  He doesn't do it long.  But in that moment I know how easy it would be for him to go back  even if he doesn't realize it.  That is the scary part for wives.  So listen to your wife.  For anyone reading this, we have our marriage at the center of what we do and we have our husband right there as well. 

malando

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Re: 2 weeks and counting
« Reply #77 on: April 13, 2017, 09:09:38 AM »
Hi Metal, welcome back. I think you're right about the wisdom of sticking around to receive advice and to give it. We are all able to learn some more things, and we are all able to share what we've learned. It's an important part of society that has probably vanished to a large degree since we all became obsessed with our private little lives in cyberspace - whether it's social media, porn, obsessive interests, whatever. Our world would be much better if people weren't so secluded and focussed on themselves - and involved themselves with looking after other people. We both know the scourge that PA is, and I think it's incumbent on us to help as many people as we can see how damaging it is and to help people who want out to get out.

That aside, yes, we can never consider ourselves 100% free of this addiction - much like no person who has never had an addiction can ever say 100% that they will never develop one. We always need to be mindful of what we are doing and thinking and make sure our rational mind is making the important decisions that can derail our lives and relationships.

A fresh start always feels like a revolution at first, until the inevitable reality kicks in that we are still the same people with the same baggage and the same tendencies. Rather than bemoan the fact that we can never really wipe any slate clean, we just have to accept that we are all works in progress. In a way, it would be frightening to think that a person could erase their old self and replace it with a new one - it's kind of creepy, a sort of brainwashing fantasy. But really we should all accept that we have all come from somewhere and that we can all work on ourselves to be better. It's reward for effort, and that's a great thing. Life doesn't really hand out free lunches. We can be lucky in some ways, but there is responsibility in keeping your luck.

So just keep chipping away. You ask yourself the right questions. You don't shirk the issues, and you care about your wife and family. That will hold you in good stead as you forge your new future.

Best wishes!
« Last Edit: April 15, 2017, 10:48:53 AM by malando »

metal22

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Re: 2 weeks and counting
« Reply #78 on: April 15, 2017, 07:02:44 AM »
Thanks guys,
I really appreciate your feedback.  I do understand that moving to a new area,  or trying to be a new person isn't the end all solution.  A few days ago I had a down episode.  I just felt super frustrated about some things and I just had a negative bad attitude.  Again I tried to move out of it,  and it took a few hours.  It was triggering for my wife unfortunately.
I need to work on these attitudes.  Since I've been focusing on being more positive,  and less stressed,  and I've for sure had a lot fewer of the episodes.  So that's a good thing.
My phone died and I ended up getting a newer phone.  Well,  we upgraded my wife's phone and got her old phone.  She had all the social media stuff on it and I immediately took off Facebook.  I still had Instagram and Pintrest on it.  She didn't mind much they were on but I still feel like they could be triggers for her,  and really I don't use them,  so I took them off too.
Malando,  I totally agree with you about giving back.  Society continues to treasure this sort of self actuated self reliance.  It's just very self focused. 

metal22

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Re: 2 weeks and counting
« Reply #79 on: April 18, 2017, 09:36:28 PM »
Feeling good today.  My wife and I climbing into a window of a house we are thinking about buying.  lol the owner gave us permission and lives a couple hours away so couldn't let us in.  Its a fixer for sure,  and we are estimating it would take us a month of working on it when ever we have a free moment to get it before we could move in,  but the house is seriously dirt cheap.  And the house has a great deal of character as it's a victorian built in 1876 and even has a tower on it.  We both think living in a house without a mortgage would sure be an awesome thing.

metal22

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Re: 2 weeks and counting
« Reply #80 on: April 26, 2017, 12:49:19 PM »
Getting close to the 300 day mark.  Wow its remarkable when i relect on the last year and all the things I and my family have gone through.  It stirs up some emotions in me; i feel sad,  still a bit guilty, but also hopeful and excited.
I feel like ive been doing well in certain areas.  P really doesnt come up in my mind,  like as if my mind has maybe rewired the synapses so It just dont think about it.  Thats cool.  The weather in the midwest is remarkably nice.  But i havent been oogling,  so thats a sucess too. 
Ive been working on being friendlier and more outgoing.  Being from somewhere else has been a good icebreaker.  Its going okay,  i think im just awkward,  so i kinda still struggle with it. 
Ive been planning some social stuff now.  My wife has voiced in the past that she wished I would do that more.  I feel like now she's struggling with that change. 
My communication still sucks.  I still procrastinate and then forget.  I mean im not where i was 300 days ago,  but im still light years from where i want to be. 

metal22

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Re: 2 weeks and counting
« Reply #81 on: May 01, 2017, 08:54:36 PM »
Getting into the groove of being over here.  I still have short periods of frustration and raise my voice or just periods of self-absorbedness.  But I feel like all-in-all I'm doing pretty good. 
Have made some new acquaintance/friends and have been working on establishing honesty ( on my part) about how I feel and such from the start.  I'm hoping in the long run I can have deep authentic friendships with a few guys down the road.  I don't even know who those people will be in the end,  but practicing communication and authenticity is a good start for me.
We found a church that has a men's group that is dealing with porn addiction.  That made me excited in that I can help others and give back what all you of have done for me. 

metal22

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Re: 2 weeks and counting
« Reply #82 on: May 03, 2017, 12:01:00 PM »
More delays on selling the old house.  Ugh!  Otherwise things are going pretty well.  Stress levels have not been overly consuming and I started working out again so I'm feeling good health-wise too.

metal22

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Re: 2 weeks and counting
« Reply #83 on: May 10, 2017, 06:40:51 AM »
So things are settling in here.  The "initial" high of the move has somewhat worn off,  and there are some struggles that both my wife and I (and the kids) face. 
It is really difficult to move away from all your friends and family.  Good friends take awhile to establish.  I know my wife has particularly struggled with this.  She had an overabundance of friends there ( it overwhelmed her maintaining them there) to really nothing here.  I know it takes time.  The same goes for the kids.  I sense they are lonely quite a bit too.  And there has been some acting out (on the kids part) which I'm not sure if its the environmental change or the age they have reached.
On the plus side there is a mens group at a local church that is a support group for men struggling w/ P.  I'm anxious to get connected there,  as I want to continue to move forward.

rebootrapp

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Re: 2 weeks and counting
« Reply #84 on: May 10, 2017, 06:46:58 AM »
Good stuff man.

I'd give the kids lots of extra love during this time. I was a military child and getting moved around sucks. I'm sure they'll come through it.
PMO free since Mar 12, 2016

metal22

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Re: 2 weeks and counting
« Reply #85 on: May 12, 2017, 07:25:41 PM »
Hey thanks Rebootrapp,
I've been staying pretty up beat this week.  Had a few moments where the stress would build up but I'm getting better at acknowledging when it comes up and releasing it without holding on.  I still have a few outbursts here and there but I move out of the anger or stubbornness much faster.
I had the kids help me out at the shop this week.  Having the business separate from the house feels quite different.  But on the plus side I can take the kids and give her a break from them.  We have no babysitters (no family here) so things feel different. 
I've been feeling bad about our romantic life.  We haven't been able to go on a date or really have much time between the two of us.  I'd like to figure out a way for us to enjoy time together just the two of us but things are so different here that I've haven't figured it out yet.

malando

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Re: 2 weeks and counting
« Reply #86 on: May 16, 2017, 12:23:34 PM »
I've been feeling bad about our romantic life.  We haven't been able to go on a date or really have much time between the two of us.  I'd like to figure out a way for us to enjoy time together just the two of us but things are so different here that I've haven't figured it out yet.

The question that arises is how hard have you tried to figure it out? Even the language, "I'd like to figure out a way" has a certain indirectness about it - sort of like you need to form a committee first so that you can discuss the future time, date and location of a  meeting to discuss the possible solution to this problem! Do you get what I'm driving at here? There's a sense of delaying and procrastination. Do you think that maybe you have a tendency to put things off that you find challenging or uncertain about? I feel sure that if you did an inventory over the past month and looked at all the things you did, you would find at least a handful of instances where you could have replaced what you actually did with some romantic time with your wife. We men are pretty good at letting things slide and waiting for a better moment to come - but better moments don't come. Men are famous for finding out too late how our women feel sidelined or neglected. The best moment to show appreciation and attention to a loved one is always here and now. And never to let up on that.

metal22

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Re: 2 weeks and counting
« Reply #87 on: May 17, 2017, 08:08:42 PM »
Malando what you say is very true.  Yes it seems that I have been making excuses,  and procrastinating.  I suppose if I look really deep down its just justifying what I havent done to make myself feel better.  That is miserable behavior and I'm not a good direction for a guy in recovery.
My self absorbed behavior has had a bad triggering effect on my wife.  I feel a bit like we've gone back to the beginning,  or at least taken a couple steps back.  Obviously this is the same behavior I exhibited pre d-day and as I reflect on it now realize I have put her in the misery she experienced at the beginning.  I wish that I could just snap my fingers and be "man" deserving of her.  But I am not.  I still revert to my old behaviors.  I also wish my resolve to change and treat her like she deserves was constant.  I just don't know why I keep going back to myself.  Its frusterating and sad,  and knowing Im 100% responsible for her pain eats at me.
I listened to a podcast from a guy that was for us PAs.  He did a wonderful job of giving the pain of a partner through their perspective.  He also gave some tools to help process and communicate.  One of the things that really stuck with me was he has been clean for 22 years,  yet still has accountability partners,  meets with other addicts and continues to talk openly about it.  It had me realize in a very concrete way that I will be fighting this the rest of my life.   I can never let my guard down,  and I must always push forward with self improvement.  Lastly I must start putting my family before myself.  That is something that I feel is the crux of both my addiction,  and recovery of my wife and myself.
I feel rather foolish asking,  but if anyone reading this has advice for exercises on doing that,  or maybe other reads or podcasts I'd really appreciate it.  I know my self absorbed-ness is so deep and systemic that I dont realize but maybe 10% of its entirety.

rebootrapp

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Re: 2 weeks and counting
« Reply #88 on: May 17, 2017, 11:24:01 PM »
Hey bud. These don't deal directly with self centeredness, but they will show you how to treat your wife better than you currently do. I'm not calling you out, that statement is always true. It's like doing interval training, you can always get better.

Love Life for the Married Couple by Dr. Ed Wheat
5 Love Languages

These two have helped us the most so far.

Idk if you remember balanced, but he always talked about a book called The Road Less Traveled that it more of a self improvement it sounds like. I've got it, but haven't gotten around to opening it yet.
PMO free since Mar 12, 2016

metal22

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Re: 2 weeks and counting
« Reply #89 on: May 18, 2017, 07:04:42 AM »
Rebootrapp,
Thanks for the heads up on the books.  I've started reading books lately so I'll order those on amazon and read them.  I really need to change my focus.
She brought up why am I not treating my family with the same focus as other things.  I really couldn't answer that,  b/c I can't figure it out.   I'm not sure why actually improving my family life and my marriage hasn't been an obsession for me.  I'm seeking to change that,  and I feel like absorbing as much info on advice like in those books is where I should start in the research area.  There are plenty of things that need to be focused on as well,  which I'm going to go over and over through my head.   It seems childish and stupid putting this out there,  but I've got to start somewhere.

metal22

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Re: 2 weeks and counting
« Reply #90 on: May 19, 2017, 11:02:26 AM »
So i ordered the Love life for married couples book.  I'm excited to read it!
Also signed up for a PA support group at a local church so thats promising too.
Hoping to have an awesome and trouble free weekend.

malando

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Re: 2 weeks and counting
« Reply #91 on: May 19, 2017, 01:06:44 PM »
So i ordered the Love life for married couples book.  I'm excited to read it!
Also signed up for a PA support group at a local church so thats promising too.
Hoping to have an awesome and trouble free weekend.

Sounds good man! Keep learning, keep improving - that's how you've got to live. It's hard at first, but it actually becomes enjoyable after a while!

metal22

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Re: 2 weeks and counting
« Reply #92 on: May 19, 2017, 07:38:06 PM »
Thanks Malando!
I always appreciate your guy's encouragement,  and your calling out too.  If I'm making excuses or being and a$$hat please let me know.  I won't be offended.

metal22

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Re: 2 weeks and counting
« Reply #93 on: May 22, 2017, 05:09:15 PM »
Getting ready for my PA's meeting.  Feeling a little nervous about meeting other PA's in person,  since I have been on this journey awhile and haven't met anyone face to face.  It should be good though.

rebootrapp

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Re: 2 weeks and counting
« Reply #94 on: May 22, 2017, 06:31:07 PM »
Good luck dude!
PMO free since Mar 12, 2016

metal22

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Re: 2 weeks and counting
« Reply #95 on: May 23, 2017, 08:36:15 AM »
So went to my first PA meeting.  It was kinda crazy to meet other PAs in person.  I was definitely the youngest there,  which was kinda shocking to me.  I feel like the younger gens have been hit harder by P,  and i figured there should have been younger dudes there.  Im not sure if they are attending around the country and I just didnt run into them or what.  It was kinda crazy to share my story in person,  but it felt good.  They are working on a 12 step program and there are sponsors available. I think this could be a really good step to continue on my recovery.
My wife asked me last night if I'd ever speak publically about my addiction and recovery and I said yes I would be willing in the future (clearly not ready yet).  She was surprised by my boldness.  I guess part of it is people like Gabe inspire me.  Sure I'd imagine there are people who are like "eww",  but just look at the amount of people he's helped. 
Our next meeting is at a bigger venue with a larger group (like 30 instead of 5).  Im very curious about the demigraphics.

rebootrapp

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Re: 2 weeks and counting
« Reply #96 on: May 25, 2017, 05:47:30 AM »
I'm glad it went well for you man. I haven't seen any groups like that around my area.
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metal22

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Re: 2 weeks and counting
« Reply #97 on: May 25, 2017, 07:07:50 AM »
Me too.  I hadnt found a group like that in Oregon either.  I felt like it was just further confirmation that we were meant to be here.  Always feels good to know God has got your back.
Still havent recieved that book via Amazon.  Im excited to start reading it.
Last couple days have been uneventful which I suppose is good.
Gonna go to dinner with new friends tonight so that should be fun.

metal22

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Re: 2 weeks and counting
« Reply #98 on: June 01, 2017, 11:49:44 AM »
Finally got my book in the mail:  Love life for every married couple.  I've been reading more so I'm excited to get into this one.  I'm hoping continually going over self help materials will help me stay on track for our marriage.
We were in a bible study last night and the pastor touched on something I hadn't thought of.  It was called STERBS ( short term energy relieving behaviours) which is a "duh" when it comes to being a PA.  Obviously, the dopamine and all that crap is how that process works,  but something that hit home for me was why we use STERBS. 
He was talking about unresolved grief,  and how that can cause us to use STERBS.  It seems kinda stupid now,  but before I was thinking of it in terms of trauma.  I didn't have any perceivable traumas as a kid ( no abuse or molestation that I can remember) I was puzzled at my addictive behavior.  When I thought of it in terms of grief though it made more sense.  Yes I have had that as a kid and especially as an early teen.  And being both my parents don't talk about anything,  and I didn't have other family to talk to,  I chose to hold stuff in.  It's always been my way.  I don't talk about things that bother me deeply unless it has to do with anger.
I know it's not any sort of solution,  but figuring out the cause has been important to me in my healing process.
My wife has seemed depressed lately.  I think a good deal of it is due to me.  I haven't been working hard enough on our relationship and it was showing.  She is a social person showing anti-social tendencies.  That has been worrisome.  I think there are people here she is connecting with,  but seems not at all anxious to build a deeper relationships.  Maybe she's just taking her time with it ( which is probably a good idea in some ways) but I feel it doesn't come from that,  more from just being antisocial.  I've been trying to get us out and together with other folks,  and I feel like she likes it and doesn't all in the same time.  Like when her mood is up she seems to like it and enjoy herself,  and then when she's down she seems resentful of me about it.
Anyway we are committed to each other,  and I will continue to work on myself.

malando

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Re: 2 weeks and counting
« Reply #99 on: June 01, 2017, 05:41:50 PM »
Nice to hear, metal. If you keep learning and putting in the work, things will keep getting better and better. Imagine if you did that for 5 years - how much different things would be at the end of it! Keep up the good work. :)