Today is my 2 weeks anniversary of my reboot. It feels amazing to be on this journey.
So for a little back story. I'm sure my story is similar to many guys. I started at an early age ( 10-11 I think) with womens undies ads and such. Once the internet came about things changed though. As a late teen, I think I would spend a few hours per day on PMOing. It quickly turned into ED, which until very recently I never attributed to looking at P. Anyway, I met the most amazing woman and totally fell in love. We married, loved each other alot, had kids and shared many life experiences together. The problem was I was a hidden PA the entire time. I wasnt PMOing as much, but I still was. Our entire marriage I've struggled with ED and PE. She accepted me with those problems and was supportive. She has never had anything against P and didn't have any problem with me doing M, but as far as she knew I wasn't doing much of either because I was lying to her. So on D day we were having an intimate moment that I was just plain not working. Like zippy. She was felt upset and for the umpteenth time said I need to go to the doctor to get checked out. I gave in, actually committing myself in my head to go. So I started doing research on my ED and lo and behold I realized there was a direct correlation to PMOing and ED. I feel stupid now about not realizing it sooner but I realized P was screwing up my life. I erased my crap and said enough. Another huge mistake was I thought I'll do this myself. I wanted to save her the embarrassment that her husband was a PA and I wanted to save myself from the confrontation and have to admit my shame to her. Basically I was a chicken. I did really well that week, feeling empowered about myself. Then the second D-day occurred when she came across some leftover "paraphernalia" that I had forgotten about. It looked really really bad. She thought I had cheated on her, and I finally admitted my lie. We have been married over a decade and she had no idea I was a PA. I think she feels like a fool but in truth I had gotten pretty good at hiding it.
Needless to say it completely devastated her. I mean completely. We've been through some pretty hard times but this was something that destroyed her. She felt ( and still feels) like she was married to a man that she didn't actually know and was cheating on her the entire time with P. I agree. I felt like a terrible person. I was full of shame, disgrace, sadness and other depressing emotions. I had turned a beautiful, extremely intelligent, charismatic, supportive woman into a sad person full of self doubt and feeling small and ugly. Both of our hearts felt broken; hers for marrying a man who wasn't actually acting like much of one, and mine for doing what I did to her.
Something I feel is very important to share is that if you have a wife, husband or other SO getting over the PO is for both of you. It was easier for me to come up with a plan for myself ( like I'll do this and that and I will get better) but meanwhile she was hurting badly. Be supportive, loving and helpful. Having a man that's a recovering PA is something that's hard to handle. It's not like she can go to her friends and talk about it. You're the only one they can talk to, and frankly I'd bet they feel like they hardly know you. Its isolating, scary, and depressing. There's no doubt rebooting is extremely hard, but don't forget about your partner who is standing by your side through this. Be the man they wanted you to be. Accept responsibility for what you did, treat them with the love they deserve, and build them back up. This experience can make you stronger as a couple.
But also believe in yourself. You can do this! You're better than this. You'll be 10 times the man P free.
Frankly I actually have no idea what I'll be like when I get over my PA and am fully rebooted. Basically my entire sexual life I've been a slave to P. I have sooooo much shame, embarrassment and low self esteem tied to my ED that I don't even know what I'll be like without it. I'm ecstatic at the idea of being a real lover to her, fully present with our experiences together.
Anyway, I'll be sharing my progress with any who want to read.
So for a little back story. I'm sure my story is similar to many guys. I started at an early age ( 10-11 I think) with womens undies ads and such. Once the internet came about things changed though. As a late teen, I think I would spend a few hours per day on PMOing. It quickly turned into ED, which until very recently I never attributed to looking at P. Anyway, I met the most amazing woman and totally fell in love. We married, loved each other alot, had kids and shared many life experiences together. The problem was I was a hidden PA the entire time. I wasnt PMOing as much, but I still was. Our entire marriage I've struggled with ED and PE. She accepted me with those problems and was supportive. She has never had anything against P and didn't have any problem with me doing M, but as far as she knew I wasn't doing much of either because I was lying to her. So on D day we were having an intimate moment that I was just plain not working. Like zippy. She was felt upset and for the umpteenth time said I need to go to the doctor to get checked out. I gave in, actually committing myself in my head to go. So I started doing research on my ED and lo and behold I realized there was a direct correlation to PMOing and ED. I feel stupid now about not realizing it sooner but I realized P was screwing up my life. I erased my crap and said enough. Another huge mistake was I thought I'll do this myself. I wanted to save her the embarrassment that her husband was a PA and I wanted to save myself from the confrontation and have to admit my shame to her. Basically I was a chicken. I did really well that week, feeling empowered about myself. Then the second D-day occurred when she came across some leftover "paraphernalia" that I had forgotten about. It looked really really bad. She thought I had cheated on her, and I finally admitted my lie. We have been married over a decade and she had no idea I was a PA. I think she feels like a fool but in truth I had gotten pretty good at hiding it.
Needless to say it completely devastated her. I mean completely. We've been through some pretty hard times but this was something that destroyed her. She felt ( and still feels) like she was married to a man that she didn't actually know and was cheating on her the entire time with P. I agree. I felt like a terrible person. I was full of shame, disgrace, sadness and other depressing emotions. I had turned a beautiful, extremely intelligent, charismatic, supportive woman into a sad person full of self doubt and feeling small and ugly. Both of our hearts felt broken; hers for marrying a man who wasn't actually acting like much of one, and mine for doing what I did to her.
Something I feel is very important to share is that if you have a wife, husband or other SO getting over the PO is for both of you. It was easier for me to come up with a plan for myself ( like I'll do this and that and I will get better) but meanwhile she was hurting badly. Be supportive, loving and helpful. Having a man that's a recovering PA is something that's hard to handle. It's not like she can go to her friends and talk about it. You're the only one they can talk to, and frankly I'd bet they feel like they hardly know you. Its isolating, scary, and depressing. There's no doubt rebooting is extremely hard, but don't forget about your partner who is standing by your side through this. Be the man they wanted you to be. Accept responsibility for what you did, treat them with the love they deserve, and build them back up. This experience can make you stronger as a couple.
But also believe in yourself. You can do this! You're better than this. You'll be 10 times the man P free.
Frankly I actually have no idea what I'll be like when I get over my PA and am fully rebooted. Basically my entire sexual life I've been a slave to P. I have sooooo much shame, embarrassment and low self esteem tied to my ED that I don't even know what I'll be like without it. I'm ecstatic at the idea of being a real lover to her, fully present with our experiences together.
Anyway, I'll be sharing my progress with any who want to read.