Well, I decided to start a journal just to keep up with how I am feeling from time to time through this process. I'd also like to shed some light on my day to day practices in hope to help someone else. And I feel the support on here is both awesome and encouraging.
I'll first off tell you my story to bring some light to my issue. I am 27 years old and "was" dealing with all of the issues porn does to someone and the dopamine high which as stated in many of your posts is the reason we keep watching and doing. Because of the high!!
I started watching P when I was younger around 13-14. The internet at my house was readily available when I needed it. I was on and off of it for a while never watching more than a few times a week. This lasted up until I got my first real girlfriend at 18. I stopped watching all together because I felt as if it was wrong while dating someone. It was not hard for me to stop due to having a GF that basically took care of all the wants sexually. I enjoyed it, she enjoyed it and I was sexually active and okay. No issue down South to speak of. We eventually broke up and I started dating someone else. My ex's best friend. Long story that we don't need to get into.
From there I dated this girl for 6 years. We were meant to be with each other at the time. We were both very happy, sexually active, no issues at the beginning down South and we genuinely loved each other. She went to college 5 hours away and we maintained our relationship through the entire 6 years she was away and back again for the Summers. This is where some of my problems started. I started watching P again in the time I spent away from her. I felt I needed something so I resorted to P. I saw her MAYBE 2 times a month. When I would see her I knew I was excited, but something was starting to become a problem. I noticed I was not getting aroused as easily as I was before and that I was not lasting as long. I figured it was just stress and the added stress of knowing I was leaving her again to go home. I didn't worry about it. I proceeded to watch P in the weeks I didn't see her. My issue got worse. I distinctively remember a time where we were trying to make love and I couldn't. She got really upset and cried and thought I didn't love her anymore. (Which was not the case at all). I didn't know what to do. I told her I had an issue from the passed that I thought may have been contributing to my problem.
Flash back to high school while at a summer camp. I was with a bunch of friends and not friends. The not friends (Bullies) thought it would be funny to kick me down South and laugh as I laid on the ground in agony and pain. My actual friends stood up for me which I am grateful for. The one kid is still my friend to this day. Well let's just say this caused me some issues. One of my men was badly hurt. I lived with it for a while, went to a Dr. and went on with my life. Thought there were no issues and was told there were no issues.
Back to my GF of 6 years...... After seeing Dr. after Dr. and telling them about my issues (ED, DE, Etc...) I was told day in and day out that I had no issue that I was having issues with confidence. They said I would get over it. Well, fast forward a few more years and I continued to watch P thinking this would help with what I thought was a confidence issue and was told was a confidence issue. My GF and I barely made love at this point. I was frustrated, she was frustrated and it all started to go downhill fast. I knew I loved her, but also thought my ED was a sign telling me I didn't anymore. (VERY SAD). We broke up and parted ways. This was probably the worst I had ever felt in life. I felt I had issues down South for the rest of my life, my GF of 6 years just broke up with me and I knew I was depressed.
From there several things went through my head: 1) I need to get my "Men" fixed after being kicked 2) Needed to talk to a therapist 3) Needed to get on with life and find myself a new GF. I went on to getting a procedure to fix scar tissue etc.... I won't go into details. Started to talk to a therapist and started looking for a GF. After my procedure I didn't want to go anywhere near my "Men". I was afraid. I spoke to another Dr. and he said to become comfortable you need to MO yourself and PMO..... Well this became a routine. I did this to finally feel comfortable and didn't stop again. Just like when I was with my GF at the time of 6 years.
I then started dating this girl that was absolutely a catch. Down to earth and pretty. We met while dancing at a country bar. We hit it off and started to become intimate. It went down hill fast. I couldn't do anything again. I thought, "Ok you are just getting acclimated to feeling comfortable around someone again after all of my issues." We tried again and I failed again. She was extremely thoughtful and caring and said she would help me through it, but something felt off for me. I thought I didn't like her because I couldn't get aroused. So I broke up with her.
I went on for three years dating and not dating. PMO'ing and not PMO'ing. After dating about 15 girls I had found someone I really connected to again. At this time about 2 months ago I had stopped PMO'ing and kept MO'ing. I didn't want to watch porn while starting this relationship. This girl and I would go out and I would feel this sensation down South. In my head I was like finally I am feeling better. I'd kiss her and I'd feel something down South. I'd sleep next to her and Boom all night erection. It wasn't until the night we became intimate that my issue arose again.... I couldn't perform. I was devastated and so was she. I couldn't look at her, couldn't talk to her, couldn't say anything. I was embarrassed. That's when I said that's it I am going to the Urologist and talking to them one last time to figure this out once and for all. He told me that he would prescribe me Viagra to boost my anxiety and confidence. I said I need more answers that this wasn't going to do it. I told him I wanted to talk to the best sex therapist around and that I was more than serious and exhausted of thinking about my issue anymore.
This is where my life finally changed. I spoke to my therapist and she asked me right off the bat if I watched P. I said yes I did on and off for years. She was like watch the youtube video YBOP and lets talk the week after. After I watched this I found YBOP.com and I was almost in tears because I finally found my issue. FINALLY!!! That next week after researching and reading and watching the videos both YBOP.com and Rebootnation provided I told her I am on the mend to being the best I can be from here out. (The Reboot) The day I watched that video I completely stopped MO'ing and said I will never look at P again all cold turkey. No more!!! I started a workout routine, I meditate everyday, I am eating and cooking healthy food, I quit my e-cig, I started reading, have been on YBOP and Rebootnation everyday to keep me inspired and I was adamant about changing my life because I wanted this girl and I wanted to be a better me. (Grant it I have had a really good job in construction, own my own landscape business, bought my own house, donate my time to a non-for profit and have a lot of hobbies) I just wanted to be better on the inside and in bed!!! Huge goal for me since I haven't made love in a long time.
Want to know something scary, after years of going to Doctors and therapists no one even mentioned anything about P until this year. NO ONE. I thought it was a normal part of life and that everyone did it. So I made it a point to tell my brother, my dad, my best friends and even a couple of my close coworkers about YBOP and to watch it. My friend last night texted me, and let me tell you, this guy is all about P and MO and PMO and has a very steady GF. He said to me "You know, after you told me about your issue and YBOP and not PMO'ing/ MO'ing I am stopping today! You got in my head to stop." This made me feel amazing because here's a guy that has no issue sexually with his GF because he makes it known and has no issue with P just stop all together. I feel I made a difference. Thanks you you and YBOP.
So I sat my GF down as soon as I found out and told her my entire story from front to back and back to front. She understood and was willing to help. Well she became distant and quiet about everything. I asked her if she was okay and she said that she was just overwhelmed and needed a bit of space. I respected her request and told her that I am here to talk about anything and that I will give her the space she needs because she meant something to me. Needless to say it has been just around 34 days since I told her about my issues and she is still here. Not quite the same, but we are working on our sexual side of things as I progress.
I am 37 days into my Reboot from any MO'ing and closer to 70 something days without any P. I have stuck to my routine and love every minute of it. I am feeling stronger, more attuned to my surroundings, smarter, more calm, more focused and driven than I have ever felt. So with that being said I am waiting patiently for my "Men" to start working properly again.
So I will start with how I am feeling today (Day 37)! After feeling like I was in a flatline for a couple weeks something happened on Sunday that I knew was a sign I was getting better. Hopped out of the shower stood in front of the mirror (I will say looking good after working out since 37 days ago) and I had gotten a text from my GF just saying "hello!". Instantly my men perked up and wouldn't you know.....a full on erection. No touch, no tease, no nothing. Just the plain thought of her saying hello. Let's just say I was the happiest I had been in quite some time. For years an erection was just another part of the day and that was after forcing them to work. NOW.....After 37 days of doing nothing..... this erection was something "I needed" to show me I was doing something right. I cannot wait for this to happen again, only with my GF!
So on to 38 days of bettering myself. I couldn't believe it at first when starting, but I am turning into a believer let me tell you.
Good luck to you all and I'll TTY tomorrow.
Best,
ImOnMyWay
I'll first off tell you my story to bring some light to my issue. I am 27 years old and "was" dealing with all of the issues porn does to someone and the dopamine high which as stated in many of your posts is the reason we keep watching and doing. Because of the high!!
I started watching P when I was younger around 13-14. The internet at my house was readily available when I needed it. I was on and off of it for a while never watching more than a few times a week. This lasted up until I got my first real girlfriend at 18. I stopped watching all together because I felt as if it was wrong while dating someone. It was not hard for me to stop due to having a GF that basically took care of all the wants sexually. I enjoyed it, she enjoyed it and I was sexually active and okay. No issue down South to speak of. We eventually broke up and I started dating someone else. My ex's best friend. Long story that we don't need to get into.
From there I dated this girl for 6 years. We were meant to be with each other at the time. We were both very happy, sexually active, no issues at the beginning down South and we genuinely loved each other. She went to college 5 hours away and we maintained our relationship through the entire 6 years she was away and back again for the Summers. This is where some of my problems started. I started watching P again in the time I spent away from her. I felt I needed something so I resorted to P. I saw her MAYBE 2 times a month. When I would see her I knew I was excited, but something was starting to become a problem. I noticed I was not getting aroused as easily as I was before and that I was not lasting as long. I figured it was just stress and the added stress of knowing I was leaving her again to go home. I didn't worry about it. I proceeded to watch P in the weeks I didn't see her. My issue got worse. I distinctively remember a time where we were trying to make love and I couldn't. She got really upset and cried and thought I didn't love her anymore. (Which was not the case at all). I didn't know what to do. I told her I had an issue from the passed that I thought may have been contributing to my problem.
Flash back to high school while at a summer camp. I was with a bunch of friends and not friends. The not friends (Bullies) thought it would be funny to kick me down South and laugh as I laid on the ground in agony and pain. My actual friends stood up for me which I am grateful for. The one kid is still my friend to this day. Well let's just say this caused me some issues. One of my men was badly hurt. I lived with it for a while, went to a Dr. and went on with my life. Thought there were no issues and was told there were no issues.
Back to my GF of 6 years...... After seeing Dr. after Dr. and telling them about my issues (ED, DE, Etc...) I was told day in and day out that I had no issue that I was having issues with confidence. They said I would get over it. Well, fast forward a few more years and I continued to watch P thinking this would help with what I thought was a confidence issue and was told was a confidence issue. My GF and I barely made love at this point. I was frustrated, she was frustrated and it all started to go downhill fast. I knew I loved her, but also thought my ED was a sign telling me I didn't anymore. (VERY SAD). We broke up and parted ways. This was probably the worst I had ever felt in life. I felt I had issues down South for the rest of my life, my GF of 6 years just broke up with me and I knew I was depressed.
From there several things went through my head: 1) I need to get my "Men" fixed after being kicked 2) Needed to talk to a therapist 3) Needed to get on with life and find myself a new GF. I went on to getting a procedure to fix scar tissue etc.... I won't go into details. Started to talk to a therapist and started looking for a GF. After my procedure I didn't want to go anywhere near my "Men". I was afraid. I spoke to another Dr. and he said to become comfortable you need to MO yourself and PMO..... Well this became a routine. I did this to finally feel comfortable and didn't stop again. Just like when I was with my GF at the time of 6 years.
I then started dating this girl that was absolutely a catch. Down to earth and pretty. We met while dancing at a country bar. We hit it off and started to become intimate. It went down hill fast. I couldn't do anything again. I thought, "Ok you are just getting acclimated to feeling comfortable around someone again after all of my issues." We tried again and I failed again. She was extremely thoughtful and caring and said she would help me through it, but something felt off for me. I thought I didn't like her because I couldn't get aroused. So I broke up with her.
I went on for three years dating and not dating. PMO'ing and not PMO'ing. After dating about 15 girls I had found someone I really connected to again. At this time about 2 months ago I had stopped PMO'ing and kept MO'ing. I didn't want to watch porn while starting this relationship. This girl and I would go out and I would feel this sensation down South. In my head I was like finally I am feeling better. I'd kiss her and I'd feel something down South. I'd sleep next to her and Boom all night erection. It wasn't until the night we became intimate that my issue arose again.... I couldn't perform. I was devastated and so was she. I couldn't look at her, couldn't talk to her, couldn't say anything. I was embarrassed. That's when I said that's it I am going to the Urologist and talking to them one last time to figure this out once and for all. He told me that he would prescribe me Viagra to boost my anxiety and confidence. I said I need more answers that this wasn't going to do it. I told him I wanted to talk to the best sex therapist around and that I was more than serious and exhausted of thinking about my issue anymore.
This is where my life finally changed. I spoke to my therapist and she asked me right off the bat if I watched P. I said yes I did on and off for years. She was like watch the youtube video YBOP and lets talk the week after. After I watched this I found YBOP.com and I was almost in tears because I finally found my issue. FINALLY!!! That next week after researching and reading and watching the videos both YBOP.com and Rebootnation provided I told her I am on the mend to being the best I can be from here out. (The Reboot) The day I watched that video I completely stopped MO'ing and said I will never look at P again all cold turkey. No more!!! I started a workout routine, I meditate everyday, I am eating and cooking healthy food, I quit my e-cig, I started reading, have been on YBOP and Rebootnation everyday to keep me inspired and I was adamant about changing my life because I wanted this girl and I wanted to be a better me. (Grant it I have had a really good job in construction, own my own landscape business, bought my own house, donate my time to a non-for profit and have a lot of hobbies) I just wanted to be better on the inside and in bed!!! Huge goal for me since I haven't made love in a long time.
Want to know something scary, after years of going to Doctors and therapists no one even mentioned anything about P until this year. NO ONE. I thought it was a normal part of life and that everyone did it. So I made it a point to tell my brother, my dad, my best friends and even a couple of my close coworkers about YBOP and to watch it. My friend last night texted me, and let me tell you, this guy is all about P and MO and PMO and has a very steady GF. He said to me "You know, after you told me about your issue and YBOP and not PMO'ing/ MO'ing I am stopping today! You got in my head to stop." This made me feel amazing because here's a guy that has no issue sexually with his GF because he makes it known and has no issue with P just stop all together. I feel I made a difference. Thanks you you and YBOP.
So I sat my GF down as soon as I found out and told her my entire story from front to back and back to front. She understood and was willing to help. Well she became distant and quiet about everything. I asked her if she was okay and she said that she was just overwhelmed and needed a bit of space. I respected her request and told her that I am here to talk about anything and that I will give her the space she needs because she meant something to me. Needless to say it has been just around 34 days since I told her about my issues and she is still here. Not quite the same, but we are working on our sexual side of things as I progress.
I am 37 days into my Reboot from any MO'ing and closer to 70 something days without any P. I have stuck to my routine and love every minute of it. I am feeling stronger, more attuned to my surroundings, smarter, more calm, more focused and driven than I have ever felt. So with that being said I am waiting patiently for my "Men" to start working properly again.
So I will start with how I am feeling today (Day 37)! After feeling like I was in a flatline for a couple weeks something happened on Sunday that I knew was a sign I was getting better. Hopped out of the shower stood in front of the mirror (I will say looking good after working out since 37 days ago) and I had gotten a text from my GF just saying "hello!". Instantly my men perked up and wouldn't you know.....a full on erection. No touch, no tease, no nothing. Just the plain thought of her saying hello. Let's just say I was the happiest I had been in quite some time. For years an erection was just another part of the day and that was after forcing them to work. NOW.....After 37 days of doing nothing..... this erection was something "I needed" to show me I was doing something right. I cannot wait for this to happen again, only with my GF!
So on to 38 days of bettering myself. I couldn't believe it at first when starting, but I am turning into a believer let me tell you.
Good luck to you all and I'll TTY tomorrow.
Best,
ImOnMyWay