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Messages - britecrawler

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Porn Addiction / Re: Taking Time To Laugh
« on: August 30, 2016, 01:12:17 PM »
Q: What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

A: I don't know, and I don't care!

2
I was going to respond to some of chip's comments, but he seems to have removed himself from this thread.

At any rate, I'll elaborate a bit on what I was saying about men needing to take responsibility for their behavior and not blame a woman's choice of clothing as the cause of objectification.

To offer an analogy... I believe a black person's skin is not the cause of racist thoughts or actions, even though it may certainly trigger racist thoughts or actions in a person who's been predisposed to racism.  So are black people responsible for covering up their skin, or are racist people responsible for unlearning racism?  The answer here, I hope, is fairly obvious.

A problem with this discussion, though, is that many of us are lacking a common definition or understanding of what objectification is.  I believe it is a learned behavior, while folks like chip seem to argue that it's a natural male tendency and often confuses objectification with biological sexual attraction.

Don't get me wrong, I also struggle with differentiating between objectification and healthy sexual attraction, and I don't think the distinction is an easy one for men to make in this misogynistic culture. 

I'm finding it helpful to talk to women (and, more importantly, to listen to women) about their experiences with objectification and how they distinguish it from their experiences of natural, healthy attraction.  Like, for instance, what aquarius25 has shared with us here in this thread.

3
There should be more of a stigma for the people who dress and act  inappropriately in public, some shame to bring them in line.

My advice, if you don't want to be objectified, cover up the objects...  If they are uncovered and on display, displays are intended for being viewed.  It ain't all the dirty old mans fault.

I strongly disagree with these sentiments.  It's not the woman's responsibility to cover up her body in public.  A woman's skin is not the cause of sexual objectification.  It's society's attitude towards women and their bodies that teaches and causes objectification.  To say that people who dress inappropriately in public should be shamed and brought in line... that attitude is so common in this misogynistic culture of victim-blaming.  But these women bring it onto themselves, don't they?  No, they don't.  No, they're not "asking for it."  It's our responsibility to treat others with respect, regardless of how they dress.

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You're very welcome!  I'm happy to help!  :)

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Hey Andrea.

Have you ever been to scarleteen.com?  It's a really wonderful sex ed website for people of all ages, genders, orientations, etc.
Here are a couple links that might help you.   :)

http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/how_do_i_find_out_if_im_bi_or_not

http://www.scarleteen.com/article/sexual_identity/bi_the_dozen_a_bisexuality_quiz

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Porn Addiction / Re: Why Men Objectify Women
« on: August 20, 2016, 12:58:31 AM »
Here are a few excerpts from the article...

"I objectify women cause it’s “safer”. I receive an immediate gratification, a thrill if you will, albeit superficial, it does keep me safe at least for a time ... from a treacherous road of intimacy and vulnerability — the risk of being really seen and connected with– or actually rejected!! Yes, that’s it — it’s an avoidance of rejection ... Intimacy takes a lot of work, courage and commitment. Objectifying is an “easy” road out of the potential of rejections — at least for the moment. A slice of breathing room if you will, though illusory and ultimately unfulfilling and painful — it’s still or at least has been a strange sort of unconscious haven for me..."

“I’m stuck in the belief that that feminine essence is outside of myself. I’m alienated from the larger truth of my Completeness as a human being. That sexy, juicy, radiant paradise is not inside myself, therefore it’s an object I obsess about outside myself and I treat it like entertainment. This insight leads me to believe I haven’t spent enough time balancing the relationship with My (whole) Self.”

"I objectify women because I feel a hole in me and I want to fill that hole. For example, I notice that I find myself checking out women when I feel like shit. I’m in a funk, bad mood, triggered, and most importantly, disconnected. It happens almost always when I had stuff to feel deep down that I simply didn’t want to feel."


7
Porn Addiction / Re: Reboot turning weird
« on: August 20, 2016, 12:54:07 AM »
I'm not going to call you names, and I'm not here to pass judgement onto another addict, even though I do feel infuriated reading your post.
What I am going to do is encourage you to get professional help right now.
Seriously.  You need to stop doing this immediately!

There's a very good chance that many of the women you've groped have stood frozen in shock, terrified and traumatized and humiliated while you violate their bodies in public.  People carry scars from these kinds of experiences for a very long time.  This is serious!

My advice... tell your loved ones about your problem.  Stop taking public transportation.  Stop putting yourself in those situations where you're able to grope women and get away with it.  Get professional help.  Make this a top priority in your life.

http://www.sexoffenderresource.com/national/

For what it's worth, something that motivates me to overcome my porn addiction is the thought that one day I will be capable of helping others overcome their addictions as well.  In your case, you could take this ugly, harmful, shameful part of yourself and turn it into something beautiful and positive.  It's not too late, but you have to start now.  No more groping!  No more victims!


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And since this thread is getting all the attention, I'm going to repost a link to a really great article (which I'd originally posted as its own thread) entitled "Why Men Objectify Women."

https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-men-objectify-women/

Here are a few excerpts from the article...

"I objectify women cause it’s “safer”. I receive an immediate gratification, a thrill if you will, albeit superficial, it does keep me safe at least for a time ... from a treacherous road of intimacy and vulnerability — the risk of being really seen and connected with– or actually rejected!! Yes, that’s it — it’s an avoidance of rejection ... Intimacy takes a lot of work, courage and commitment. Objectifying is an “easy” road out of the potential of rejections — at least for the moment. A slice of breathing room if you will, though illusory and ultimately unfulfilling and painful — it’s still or at least has been a strange sort of unconscious haven for me..."

“I’m stuck in the belief that that feminine essence is outside of myself. I’m alienated from the larger truth of my Completeness as a human being. That sexy, juicy, radiant paradise is not inside myself, therefore it’s an object I obsess about outside myself and I treat it like entertainment. This insight leads me to believe I haven’t spent enough time balancing the relationship with My (whole) Self.”

"I objectify women because I feel a hole in me and I want to fill that hole. For example, I notice that I find myself checking out women when I feel like shit. I’m in a funk, bad mood, triggered, and most importantly, disconnected. It happens almost always when I had stuff to feel deep down that I simply didn’t want to feel."




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To those of us who are already in agreement that objectification is harmful...

Does anyone have any thoughts or feelings to share that were sparked directly by the original article “Bikinis Don't 'Force' the Male Brain to Objectify Women”?

Personally, I would really like to have some discussion about practical ways for us porn addicts to be actively reconditioning our brains to notice the whole person and not just their body parts.  (i.e., meditation, eye contact, more social interaction, etc.)  What are some effective strategies for overcoming compulsive objectification? 

I would encourage folks to ignore NwaltRed's comments for the sake of staying on topic and not allowing the conversation to be derailed by someone who doesn't understand why objectification is problematic in the first place.  If people feel inclined to try to educate NwaltRed, perhaps they can start a new thread that focuses on the concept of “ethical porn”.

With that said, I want to thank everyone here who is speaking out against porn and objectification—especially aquarius25 for sharing their own traumatic experience so courageously!  If any of you haven't already read her story on page 1 of this thread, I strongly recommend doing so!

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I'm happy to see the amount of interest this topic is generating! 

To everyone here who is fed up with all the patriarchy and misogyny this society has to offer, I'm with you!
I, too, had been feeling fairly disappointed and alienated here since many of the discussions in these forums seemed to be lacking the feminist perspectives or critical analyses of porn culture that brought me to this site in the first place.  I, for one, am not here because of penis problems or religion or relationship ultimatums or any of that.  I'm here because I want my actions to align with my feminist values and ideals.  It's encouraging to see I'm not alone. 

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Hey everybody.  Here's another great article that explores the science of sexual objectification.

https://uteropolis.wordpress.com/2015/09/07/nonsexist-men-can-train-themselves-not-to-objectify-women/

The realm of sexual fantasy and objectification is profoundly connected to porn use and other artificial sexual stimulation.
If we see a complete stranger in public and start having sexual fantasies about them, are we becoming aroused by a real person?  Or, are we slipping into that fantasy world where we choose the safety of imaginary experiences with dispensable sex objects over real-life connections with whole, complex human beings?

This article encourages us to believe that we can recondition our brains to not only abstain from internet porn and other artificial sexual stimulation, but to stop compusively objectifying people altogether!  Personally, I find this very empowering!

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Porn Addiction / Why Men Objectify Women
« on: August 16, 2016, 11:40:24 AM »
I recently read a great article over at The Good Men Project that explores several men's theories and reflections about why they objectify women.

https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-men-objectify-women/

I would encourage any and all of you to check it out, and perhaps some of us can continue the discussion here in the forums.

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Hey Aish30,

The short and easy answer for why I decided to PMO again is simply because I was craving that rush of dopamine.  The not-so-easy answer for the why or the how has a lot to do with identifying my own psychological and behavioral patterns.  I know, for instance, that I am more vulnerable to triggers when I am feeling depressed.  I also know that opportunity can be a trigger all on its own, like being alone with a computer and internet access.  (I don't have internet in my home, so this is not an everyday scenario for me.) 

In my experience, relapse tends to be a gradual downward spiral as opposed to something that happens spontaneously after months of resistance.  Leading up to my last full-on PMO relapse, there were moments where I would let my guard down a little... then a little more... then I'm seeking out the images, but not for long and nothing too explicit... then I'm seeking out more explicit images, but only for short amounts of time and without masturbation... and so on and so forth.  The more I gave in to the cravings, the more depressed and discouraged I became and the easier it was to keep spiraling downward.

Eventually, however, when I've had enough of the shame and self-loathing, I pick myself back up and start over again. 

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Thanks for the encouragement, Bango Skank, and good luck with your hard 90.  I hope that by the time I make it to 90 days, you'll be at 95!   :)

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Hello Reboot Nation,

Like many of you, I have been addicted to porn in one form or another since I was a child.  (Note: I will use the word "porn" to define a broad spectrum of images throughout society where women are being depicted as sex objects)  As I grew older and began to understand the overwhelming influence of patriarchy and misogyny in my own life and in the lives around me, I knew I would ultimately have to kick my PMO habits for good.  Ideologically, I have been anti-porn for years now, but I continue to struggle with my addiction and occasionally fall into periods of relapse which generally coincide with bouts of depression and self-loathing.  I want to be an ally to all who are oppressed by this culture of exploitation, and I believe I can and must overcome my addiction.

I am now 31, and the longest I have gone without any PMO is about 6 months.  My most recent PMO relapse was on July 3rd, 2015, and my goal is to celebrate 1 year of resistance to porn on July 4th, 2016.  (my own personal independence day!)  A fellow rebooter has strongly recommended the "hard 90" (90 days without PMO, MO, or O) so I will be working toward that goal as well.

I joined Reboot Nation with the hope of finding an accountability partner to stay in touch with by phone or mail.  Though I am very happy to be a part of this online community, I don't want to be spending a lot of time on the internet and, therefore, probably won't be a very active participant in the forums.  If you are interested in becoming accountability partners, please send me a message and tell me a little about yourself.  I would love to hear from you!   :)

Yours in solidarity,
britecrawler

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