Time to get a bit more serious

Hi
First time posting on a forum before.I am 22 and I have tried time and time again to quit porn for years now with no success. the longest I have gone without porn or masturbation was about 4 months last year and it felt amazing. I have been struggling ever since. I have started tracking my progress and finally added porn blocking software to my devices. Hoping this will help out a lot. My main reason for wanting to quit porn is that I want to take my life to the next level. I am getting to the age where I want a relationship and want to progress in my career and feel like porn is holding me back. My last 2 relationships have ended because of porn induced ED and I just feel a general lack of confidence in my life which translates into me staying in the same position. I used to watch porn everyday twice a day for about 2 years but now I have gone down to once a week usually on the weekends. I feel so damn ashamed and frustrated everytime I relapse, because I feel like I'm going to be stuck in this cycle forever. One thing that triggers me is when I am either hungover or drunk, I do so well on the weekdays, but when it comes to going to hang out with some friends and have a couple drinks I lose control. I just want to be the man I know I can be. Thanks for taking the time to read this post, now it's time to try for 30 days without PMO.
 

CrowMagnum

Active Member
Hey crazygdude, I can relate to drinking being a pitfall leading to relapse.  I have recently made a point to stop drinking, even in social settings, because of it.  My progress with no PMO has become much better and bearable to know I'm not setting myself up for failure.  I suggest going without alcohol until you've gotten an honest and strong handle on your PMO habit.  Whatever you decide, great to see your renewed resolve.  Keep up the fight!
 
Thanks Crow,
I really appreciate the support, I was always ashamed and afraid to tell anybody or even post online about my problem. But after posting I must admit a ton of relief. It is my first weekend I have decided to go alcohol-free and I feel good about it. It is like killing 2 birds with one stone, I don't wake up being hungover and I don't wake up with the shame and guilt of knowing I continued my PMO habit. But it is my hopes that with the support of everyone here and in keeping this journal that I can finally kick this habit once and for all and in turn support others along their journey as well.
 
Day 2,
Well a spectacular fail on my end. Not even 1 day in and I already decided to Fap last night and this morning. I was just about to go to bed and then decided to check my Facebook and when I was scrolling through my newsfeed I was triggered by a picture of girl in a bikini. So I scrolled for a little bit thinking to myself that I don't need to Fap and then the urge kicked in and I thought to myself "what's the harm in looking at a couple more pictures?". So I scrolled through some similar photos and arousal kicked in so hard, so I decided to check out a couple videos on youtube which led to me going to to look at some porn. But when I got to the site I thought better of it and just went back to the youtube video thinking it would woudn't be as harmful as watching the pron video. So after I was done fapping all the shame came flooding in after and the thoughts kicked in whether or not I will ever get this habit kicked. I feel glad I didn't watch porn, but still I wish I could have had more self control. And this morning I fapped over a picture of a girl in a bikini. The crazy thing is I didn't even feel aroused or anything, I just did it out of habit more than anything. The weekends are the hardest for me.
 

CrowMagnum

Active Member
Great news about going alcohol-free!  Relapses are always disappointing, but they can be used as a learning tool.  What was triggered you, what was the red flag?  Where in that sequence do you need to make a conscious change when it happens next time?  What will that change be?  I suggest a cold shower, a walk outside, exercise, or anything else that will keep you busy and away from any source of the internet.  Try not to beat yourself up too much.  We're addicts after all, part of our problem is that we find it very difficult to say no to this, especially when we get little rushes of dopamine pushing us towards our familiar habit every time we see a remotely sexual image.  Another thing you may find helpful is deactivating your Facebook account for the time being and blocking social media, pornography, and other triggering websites on your computer.    I deactivated my Facebook account and blocked the hell out of reddit since they were strong triggers for me (on top of blocking porn).  Part of the battle is mitigating temptations, mate!  If anything, take this moment as a lesson.  This pornography addiction is fighting to stay alive.  It's up to you to do what it takes to starve it out and replace it with something that benefits instead of squanders your life.  You can do it, you'll need action plans as well as willpower to enact them.
 
Yeah I can't describe the feeling of disappointment and self loathing that comes up after a relapse, but I'm hoping I can come back and read my journal and encouraging comments in times of weakness. Those are some great question I really do have to ponder a lot more, I know during the weekdays I am pretty busy and don't spend much time online, but during the weekends when I  have a bit of free time is when the problems tend to occur. I've realized that sometimes I turn to pornography from simply being bored and other times I am triggered from pics on social media or just simply sexual content on movies or tv shows. So I guess I need to make more of an effort to screen these types of things. I appreciate all the suggestions and support man, it goes a long way.
 

tyobes7

Member
Hey Crazygdude

I'm glad to see you that you want to change your life to what is good; the beginning is always difficult and you have already overcome four months without PMO, so just try those first 10 days to stay away from all that exite you, I know it is difficult but possible; occupies the guy mind you, are you studying? concentrates more in your studies, you have a free time? come here to read the forum testimonies encouragans this will help you to calm your impulses :)

I wish you success ^_^

Cordially , Tyobes7 :)
 

CrowMagnum

Active Member
during the weekends when I  have a bit of free time is when the problems tend to occur.


Crazygdude,

Try to keep yourself busy on the weekends by structuring those days and nights more.  Schedule positive activities/hobbies to do.  Make plans with friends at night.  Be productive during the day.  Make the most out of your new free time!  This could mean relaxing in some way-- it doesn't have to be all about work.  If you find yourself getting bored at home make the effort to get out of the house.  Being preemptive here is key! Avoiding a fight altogether is much better than winning one.  Entertaining a fight allows for the possibility of failure.  At first you may not feel like sticking to a schedule or changing your weekend habits but by forcing yourself to change your behavior you'll gradually be able to do it easier and easier.  By doing this you'll be strengthening the skill of consciously shifting your mindset.  A strong ability to do this will help combat unforeseen urges and triggers.

If you voice any questions or concerns in your journal it is likely that one of our brothers in arms will do their best to answer or provide hard won advice.  We all have a deep amount of shame about this area of our lives, we all understand to a large degree what you're going through, and we all want you to succeed.
 
Day 2,
Thanks a ton Crow and Tyobes, Right now I am currently working full time about 50 hours a week, but I think I will make more of an effort to come read others journals in time of weakness and during my free time. And I will definitely do my best to try and make more of an attempt to structure my weekends and fill up some of my free time. But today was actually not too bad, I am coming down with a cold so right now I have just been laying around watching movies and reading and haven't had any strong urges yet because my mind is more pre occupied with this sickness. I am feeling pretty optimistic at the moment despite being sick, I feel as if with the support this website and people such as yourselves that kicking this habit is starting to become more and more realistic. It feels so good to finally be able to talk about all of this to someone instead of keeping it all inside.
 

CrowMagnum

Active Member
You bet man, be honest with yourself and keep doing your best you'll make it.  And being able to talk about it sure helps!
 
Day 3:
Today was not too bad, last night I had a dirty dream and when I woke up I had a strong urge to masturbate but I managed to talk my way out of this one. It's kind of discouraging to think that even when I sleep there will be temptations. But I found a quote I like to repeat myself in moments of weakness: "Suffer the pain of discipline, or suffer the pain of regret."
 
Day 4
Was a great day today, never felt any sexual urges and can feel my confidence focus slowly starting to creep up. I wish I could feel like this the rest of my life, but I know that is not how this works. So I will still keep up my constant vigilance. 3 days down and 27 to go until I hit my short term goal. 1 day at a time
 
Day 5
Well another day where I feel like I have the willpower to over come this habit. But as I have stated before I never really had any problem with the weekdays, it's always been the weekends that have been a struggle for me. So week nights aren't so awful, it has historically been the the friday nights around 11 or a night after coming back from a going out and having some drinks. Today I realized how much better I feel about things and how posting this journal has changed my thoughts a bit more. Before posting I have always felt like I've had this deep dark secret that I could never tell anyone, maybe I was also in a little bit of denial about it. I never could believe that I would ever have this problem in my life, that this couldn't be happening to me. I have always felt like I had complete control over my life and didn't believe that I had let this habit best me. I kept saying to myself I could stop when I wanted. I have been thinking about this and how I got to this point a bit more lately.I knew I had let it get too far when I finally got a chance to sleep with a chick that I believed to be out of my league and I couldn't even get it up. I was so embarrassed and chalked it up to performance anxiety or having a drink too many. But I knew something had to be off because whenever I watched P I had no problem getting it up. So from there I have never had confidence when it came to women, and it became this vicious cycle where I felt lonely and turned to P to self medicate not knowing it harmed me. But now I know better and I am still determined to move on with my life. Thanks everyone here for their support and I know together we can all be the men we want to be.
 

CrowMagnum

Active Member
Hey crazygdude,

The weekend is here.  How are you feeling about facing your hurdle?  Do you have a plan of action? Stay strong, Ock!
 
Day 5:
Well have managed to stay busy until now, should have been a bit more pro active for tonights plan. Planning on going over a friends to go watch a movie. Stayed extra longer at the gym and feeling pretty tired at the moment. Have plans to travel and stay at my brothers tomorrow night with my family. Don't have any plans to drink either so that is great. Just been thinking about my low points I have hit and realized I don't want to go back there. I've been taking in a lot more infortmation about this habit and reading articles and listening to podcasts to arm myself with knowledge to make it seem less daunting. Knowledge is power.
 
I believe for my own sake I would benefit from just writing about some of the reasons why I want to change.
1: I had started to become ashamed of my behaviours. I began to watch porn that seemed kind of messed up to me and I disgusted at how much this stuff seemed to arouse me. I began to look at rape genres and other things that just seemed to shock me. I was scared at how this was affecting my mind.
2: I want a relationship and I don't think that is achievable as longing as I am watching porn. I felt extremely embarrassed after my first encounter with PIED. It just absolutely destroyed my confidence with women, and I have since avoided any situation with woman that may lead to any sexual encounters.
3: I believe strongly in constantly striving to be the best version of yourself. It creates such a cyclone within my brain trying to work towards that goal but feeling like I would never be able to beat this addiction/habit.
 
Day 6 & 7:
Didn't get the chance to make an entry to my journal yesterday as I was travelling and fairly busy throughout the day. I feel like I am flatlining a little bit, I see thing that once would have once turned me on and I don't feel much arousal at all. At first it was making me a bit nervous but since that I know that it is a part of the process I can accept it. I wish it didn't have to come to this point, but all I can do at this point is accept that I am taking a step in the right direction and not look back. It is the first weekend I have made it without PMO and I am proud of myself. Although I can feel myself flatlining a little bit I feel like my mind is becoming more clear and I my will power is strengthening. I was at a store yesterday and managed to look the female cashier in the eye and maintain eye contact when usually I just keep my head down and avoid eye contact. I am about to start reading a book called "The way of the superior man" I heard about it in a podcast and heard it may aid me in my journey to becoming the man I know I can be. Does anyone else have any book recommendations that you have found helpful in kicking this habit?
 
Day 8:
Well it's monday and I'm so glad I made it through the weekend PMO free. First time in months that I have done this. I attribute this to this website and this journal. I don't know what it is but this seems to help quite a bit. Well halloween is coming up and I'm kind of worried because I am getting quite a few invites to go to halloween parties, but usually when I drink is when I tend to relapse. But I kind of want to go out and have a little fun. Perhaps I should try and limit my drinks or go alcohol free and just go and hang out.
 
Day 9:
Oh man I just realized I have made it 9 days without PMO. I am super stoked because this is longest I have gone without PMO for a long time. So today was pretty good, I was walking around getting groceries today and realized I wasn't looking at the floor as I usually do but walking around with my head up and back straight. I have also noticed that at work I am starting to question my supervisors a bit more in their decisions when before I used to just blindly accept what they told me. Also while at work I was thinking about my reason for quitting and I realized I must come up with a reason that is not selfish. I thought about this for awhile and it hit me. I want to one day be able to help others who struggle with this. But I know I must make myself strong before I can help others. I hope that maybe one day someone who is struggling can read through this journal and possibly find a little bit of inspiration and to know that if this man who has relapsed plenty of times eventually kicked this habit. And if you have taken the time to read any of my posts I thank you a bunch and you an leave a comment or link I would love the opportunity to read all about your journey. Stay strong brothers
 
Day 10,
Well last night I had a hard time getting to sleep, I had a pretty strong urge to masturbate and was the first time in a while I have felt an urge this strong. But luckily I managed to get through this one, I just realized I didn't want to break my streak I have going. But today i was listening to the radio at work and they were discussing porno and even just hearing people discuss it started to bring back some scenes in my head. Thought about it for a minute before I caught myself and turned off the radio and listened to some motivational speeches on my phone. Just have to take this one day at a time
 
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