Today is the first day of the rest of my life

So the subject line is cheesy but it is how I feel.  I am soon to be 55 and have been using porn since I was about 12. Two things happened that year. I was sexually assaulted by a neighbor and my brother showed me his porn collection. Since then porn has be a constant in my life. I have been in therapy for about 4 months dealing with all of these issues and my therapist has been amazing but I know I need to take the next step. Porn has impacted me in so many ways. I use it when I am stressed. I use it when I am down. All the same reasons everyone says.

Right now I have been out of work for a couple of months and my use has escalated. I am suffering from PIED and used PMO today for what I want to be the final time. I have a loving wife and two daughters and though they are supportive of me they don't know most of what I have gone through and I want to be a better man for them. I am hoping as I recover, I become more productive, more sensitive, more loving. I hope to stop turning my head at anything in a skirt while my wife is with me.

Today, I deleted all the porn on my computer along with all the apps I used to access it and closed my usenet account. I also threw out the vast majority of the toys we had as I don't want them here as a trigger.

I am grateful for finding the site and for what I see as a supportive community. After 40+ years of addiction I have no idea what I am in for but I am going to do everything I can to get over this once and for all.

Note to self: stay strong.  Note to everyone else: Stay well.

So according to the recovery counter I put on my phone, I am at hour 20... not even a full day yet. It's weird, I normally don't think about porn when I am away from it (mostly I guess because it was always at my fingertips). Yesterday though, after deleteing everything and cleaning my house phone etc. I noticed that I started thinking about images from the past - the first magazine I saw in 1977, the first time I got a computer, the first time I move from vanilla to other... It was weird. Then right before I work up this morning I had a dream about me staring at the screen deciding what to look at with a glazed over look on my face. I awoke from the dream when I heard my wife (standing behind me in the dream) say honey, honey, snap out of it... I knew you had a problem but I didn't know it was that bad. Wow!

20 hours down. Busy day ahead. I'll be into my second day before I know it.

Hi GR-thanks for sharing your story, and kudos to you for taking the steps necessary to be the man of integrity that you want to be for yourself and your family.  I hope you will resolve to stay committed to the process, even in the midst of slips and slides that may arise.  I have been here for about 9 months and am doing pretty good but haven't fully arrived where I want to be.

If you haven't done so already, try to read up on the neuroscience angle of this stuff, with a book like Your Brian On Porn or similar materials located on this site-this knowledge is helpful for understanding the battle we are up against.

20 hours is actually awesome-humble beginnings I call it, but beginnings none the less.  Take care, and stay in touch.  You are doing the right thing.       

Thanks Jixu,

I've been reading your thread and it gives me hope. I'm now at 1:21:48 and counting. Today my brain is playing with me so I guess it is game time lol. I have been having flashbacks (if you can use that word) to favorite images, activities etc. All I can do is keep myself occupied with other things so I am hitting the gym and doing some work on a course I enrolled in. I can feel the distraction and lack a patience building but I am aware of that, so it will help me in what I now see is going to be a battle.

I ordered the book Your Brain on Porn and it arrived yesterday, so I am going to add it to my reading time today. Distraction, knowledge, distraction distraction distraction

Have a great day and I wish you continued success.

Great job on awareness-yes, it is indeed a battle.  Whatever you have been doing the last couple of days keep doing it!  Have a great week! 

So my brain is fucking with me. To be expected I suppose. This morning I caught myself thinking about / planning how to handle a relapse. "I can just look at non-nude, I can go to that website and take a peek but not download anything" you get the drift. I've also caught myself taking extended glances at a pretty girl or woman on TV etc. etc. I know this is my brain calling out for dopamine and right now that is enough to keep me strong. So far I haven't experienced any of the withdrawal symptoms I've read about other than a bit of a short temper but I am trying to remain aware and alert for those so I know what I am dealing with before it is too late.

Right now I am at 4:01:02 and my immediate goal is to make it through today and my first full week on Wednesday. Fingers crossed.

Hey GottaReboot, thanks for your posts, they have helped me.

I'm on day 6 here... been battling some withdrawl symptoms... the biggest one for me is brain fog... feel like I'm not quite present... I don't like it.  I've read that it passes and I can't wait to sleep again...

There's no shortcut.  There's not magic pill.  There's not easy way out.  Partial P, full P, it's all bad.  The only way out is to quit.  We have to convince ourselves that P is no longer an option for us and if we do use it then we are bound to suffer.  Once we are able to truly believe that then I think we can heal.  Right now I'm repulsed at the thought of P.  What has it done in my life except take from me and my loved ones?  Not to mention all the damage it has caused to the models which we can never truly appreciate.

You are going to make it wednesday, I am too... let's go.  Let's be free.

Thanks HopeReaper.

I hear you on the brainfog. Apparently it is messing with my math too.  My counter is now at 4:22:28 which means I don't hit day 7 until Thursday I swear, the damn counter seems to be going backwards sometimes. I am doing my best to keep busy and that means doing things around the house that I've neglected, taking a course to fill some time, playing my drums, whatever it takes... One thing I've noticed is how P or the temptation of P can creep into my life even through simple things like images on TV or things popping into my vanilla profiles on Twitter etc.  Unfortunately, I need to use social media and the internet for my job, so at this point it is a mind over matter willpower struggle but so far so good.

Keep strong with your Reboot!

Well I hit my first milestone today - 7 days clean! I had a great session with my psychologist last night and she was blown away that I went ahead and got rid of it all. I guess I am making progress even if some days it doesn't feel like I am.  My longest porn free stretch was a few years back, 11 days when i was on vacation and didn't take my phone. This time is different, more final I feel.  I still have lots of thoughts and images running through my head. It's like my brain is taking a walk down memory lane (and they aren't all good memories). I know though that what it really is is my brain crying out for a dopamine hit.

Not know. Not today. Back off brain.

I was going to post a screenshot of my counter to celebrate but I guess I am computer illiterate when it comes to that so 7 Days Clean will have to do lol.

Well done GottaReboot!
Every day you stay clean helps to rewire your brain a little.

Thanks BigMog! That's what I keep telling especially today. I think I have a seven-day (well eight I suppose) itch and I need to not scratch it if you know what I mean. Ugh...

In a couple more hours I will officially hit day 12 porn free! That will be the longest time in 42 years that I've gone without looking at any sort of porn or other trigger type things. I've been in flatline since before I started this journey and haven't seen any life in the old guy yet, but I hope one day soon I will. I guess I've been luckier than some I've been reading about because I really haven't had withdrawal symptoms. I did have a day a few days ago where I was antsy and a bit of an ass but really, that was the worst of it.I am kind of waiting for the shoe to drop. My brain keeps trying to play games with me, you know "make it to day 15 and you can take a peek" that kind of thing. I can't and I won't. One thing I am lucky with is that the therapist I've been seeing about all my issues has worked with me hard to recognize when my brain is playing with me and how to deal with it. I guess it has been money well spent.  Let's see where I am at Friday on day 15, 1/6 of the way to day 90...

GottaReboot - Well done!

It's amazing how so many of us are in similar situations. I'm right there with you, brother. Flatline? Yup. Urges? Yup.

Have a contingency plan for when your addiction tries to kick in and don't think or compromise or negotiate. Just follow your plan when the urges flare. It can be anything - whatever works for you. I work from home and have to get out of my office. So I just put a load of laundry in. Sometimes I'll just start reading posts here. My plan buys me time and circumstances to gather and refocus myself away from my addiction, just for today. I'm weak and can handle that, focusing on the right now.

Take the time to read the posts that interest you - you'll find some great advice.

Hey Gottareboot,

Well done brother! Every month, week, or day without porn is a victory. Keep it up!

I almost slipped last night. I decided to see if I could remember the password to my "alternate" twitter account. Much to my surprise and shock I could. Thankfully as soon as it started to load I was able to click into my account settings and log out before seeing anything. The rush that I might though reinforced for me how strong the hold on me is. Everyday is another learning, I guess that how we grow and overcome this. Looking forward to day 15 in 1 day and 23 hours.

When you are feeing stronger i'd suggest going and deleting the account.

GottaReboot said:

I almost slipped last night. I decided to see if I could remember the password to my "alternate" twitter account. Much to my surprise and shock I could. Thankfully as soon as it started to load I was able to click into my account settings and log out before seeing anything. The rush that I might though reinforced for me how strong the hold on me is. Everyday is another learning, I guess that how we grow and overcome this. Looking forward to day 15 in 1 day and 23 hours.

Click to expand...

Thanks EP, I plan on it. I may recruit my wife to do that. Thankfully she's very supportive...

So I've officially made it to day 15 yeah me! Only 75 more to go until 90. Give me strength.

Day 16. So I had an interesting night last night. For the first time in weeks my wife and I got a little frisky and one thing led to another and we ended up having sex. What happened after is the interesting part. Since I've stopped looking at porn it has been on my mind frequently, something that didn't happen when I was looking at it daily for hours at a time. Last night, after my wife and I bonded, I had vivid, vivid dreams that we full of some of my favorite p-stars. My interpretation of this is that my brain is using the dopamine hit I got last night and trying to screw with me so I fall back into old habits. Right now, that is not going to happen because I know what my brain is trying to do and why. Fingers crossed I keep it that way.

I rarely if ever think about porn while not surfing.  I'm often surprised to find myself in the middle of it, like i didn't see it coming.  Even though it used to be a daily habit.  Its like having split personalities i guess.  Good to hear that your relationship has improved.  The dreams likely occurred as your bodies response to physical stimulus.  Keep focused on the positive and take it as your mind healing is my advice.