Hi,
I am 40 yrs and have been married for 10 years. I was exposed to porn since age 5 through lingerie ads and other pics in local weekly magazines. I grew up in a boarding school where new porn pics were available monthly from friends who would bring magazines from outside and I masturbated from between 18-21 times a week starting from age 13. At around 16 yrs of age I saw my first porn video in my friend's house and then I had compulsions to see them periodically but by age 18 I started watching porn pics & vids on computers and the Internet and have been hooked now for 22 yrs. The maximum amount of time I could have gone without masturbating to porn is 21 days. I am especially devoted to femdom porn. I some times don't watch it but bow down to it infront of the computer to worship. I feel pleasure in worshiping porn not just watching it. I experience sexual arousal during anxiety, humiliation, sadness & depression to the point that even the movie "Passion of Christ" only gave me severe sexual arousal and I had to quit watching it during the flogging scene. I was puzzled by response to the movie but diligent seeking gave the answer from the articles [Hooked Up and Tied Down: The Neurological Consequences of Sadomasochism](https://www.thepublicdiscourse.com/2015/02/14470/). I have also been abused sexually & physically ( neck/chest burned with match sticks ) many times in boarding by senior male students right from age 9. I think the Sadomasochism fetish came in me when I was as young as 6 while reading horror & detective stories in local weekly's. I can remember fantasizing to be wanting to my pinched by my female teachers's long nails as young as 7 or 8rs of age while in class. Though I was not sexually active at that age I remember that I got some sort of high thinking about it ( may be an adrenaline rush ). But when I started watching porn I was not into femdom porn. I gradually progressed into it and I am not particular that I should watch nudity itself. Fully clothed femdom power play alone is enough to get me excited. I have also watched Tranny & Vampire porn some times but femdom porn is the choice most of the time. After a period of abstinence I am not directly tempted to watch femdom porn but just cleavages, but then I gradually end up in femdom porn. I also used to experience such highs while listening to the song "A Touch of Evil by Judas priest" ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PW-6FKFnHx8 ) and other heavy metal songs of same theme. I have quit rock/heavy metal genre music altogether after a lot of struggle because it was a source of trigger and heavy metal addiction is not a problem now. My struggle to quit porn continues now for 22 years. There was a time when even the English alphabet "P" would trigger me during abstinence because it will connect with the image of a beautiful woman with huge breasts. That stage is over. But 21 days is all the maximum I have gone without watching porn. I have to watch at least cleavage after 21 days.
I reached here from YBOP ( https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/ ) and also have listened to Erototoxin discussed - Dr. Morse interviews Dr. Hilton( http://www.drjudithreisman.com/archives/2011/12/erototoxin_disc.html )
Some of the withdrawal symptoms I have while abstaining from porn are:
1. A big heaviness pain and inability to breathe in my chest.
2. Severe Anxiety
3. Depression ( emotional pain )
4. All of the above which in turn bring sexual arousal ( it is a vicious circle )
5. Cloudy mind
6. Absent mindedness & Racing thoughts ( https://www.healthline.com/health/racing-thoughts )
7. Feeling of madness and becoming violent
8. Sleeplessness
9. Horrible sexual dreams with and without ejaculation
10. Numbness to people around or lack of contentedness
11. Feeling of having forces inside of my body moving around
12. Feeling of power rushing inside me which might make me blow away ( blast since I feel unable to contain it )
13. Zombie feeling & as if walking around possessed.
14. Downright lack of energy even to get up from bed.
15. Autoscopic Hallucination with or without sexual dreams ( https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Autoscopy )
16. Other out of body experienceswhere come into contact with beings both in human & weird forms forcing me to sexual activity or torture situations such as ECT ( https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/ect ) or beings like swans entering my body then reducing itself to milky white power that travels to my penis and then back to my brain, or sex in which the women beings who while touching me gives me unimaginable sexual pleasure that foster in my cravings that cannot be matched by any human experience.
17. Emotional rollercoaster
18. Total hopelessness that I will ever be free of this addiction
19. Various paranormal experiences
20. Sleep Paralysis of varying degrees and intensities ( https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/sleep-paralysis/ )
I am starting a journal in the "above 40 forum". Some help is appreciated.
Thanks a million!
I am 40 yrs and have been married for 10 years. I was exposed to porn since age 5 through lingerie ads and other pics in local weekly magazines. I grew up in a boarding school where new porn pics were available monthly from friends who would bring magazines from outside and I masturbated from between 18-21 times a week starting from age 13. At around 16 yrs of age I saw my first porn video in my friend's house and then I had compulsions to see them periodically but by age 18 I started watching porn pics & vids on computers and the Internet and have been hooked now for 22 yrs. The maximum amount of time I could have gone without masturbating to porn is 21 days. I am especially devoted to femdom porn. I some times don't watch it but bow down to it infront of the computer to worship. I feel pleasure in worshiping porn not just watching it. I experience sexual arousal during anxiety, humiliation, sadness & depression to the point that even the movie "Passion of Christ" only gave me severe sexual arousal and I had to quit watching it during the flogging scene. I was puzzled by response to the movie but diligent seeking gave the answer from the articles [Hooked Up and Tied Down: The Neurological Consequences of Sadomasochism](https://www.thepublicdiscourse.com/2015/02/14470/). I have also been abused sexually & physically ( neck/chest burned with match sticks ) many times in boarding by senior male students right from age 9. I think the Sadomasochism fetish came in me when I was as young as 6 while reading horror & detective stories in local weekly's. I can remember fantasizing to be wanting to my pinched by my female teachers's long nails as young as 7 or 8rs of age while in class. Though I was not sexually active at that age I remember that I got some sort of high thinking about it ( may be an adrenaline rush ). But when I started watching porn I was not into femdom porn. I gradually progressed into it and I am not particular that I should watch nudity itself. Fully clothed femdom power play alone is enough to get me excited. I have also watched Tranny & Vampire porn some times but femdom porn is the choice most of the time. After a period of abstinence I am not directly tempted to watch femdom porn but just cleavages, but then I gradually end up in femdom porn. I also used to experience such highs while listening to the song "A Touch of Evil by Judas priest" ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PW-6FKFnHx8 ) and other heavy metal songs of same theme. I have quit rock/heavy metal genre music altogether after a lot of struggle because it was a source of trigger and heavy metal addiction is not a problem now. My struggle to quit porn continues now for 22 years. There was a time when even the English alphabet "P" would trigger me during abstinence because it will connect with the image of a beautiful woman with huge breasts. That stage is over. But 21 days is all the maximum I have gone without watching porn. I have to watch at least cleavage after 21 days.
I reached here from YBOP ( https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/ ) and also have listened to Erototoxin discussed - Dr. Morse interviews Dr. Hilton( http://www.drjudithreisman.com/archives/2011/12/erototoxin_disc.html )
Some of the withdrawal symptoms I have while abstaining from porn are:
1. A big heaviness pain and inability to breathe in my chest.
2. Severe Anxiety
3. Depression ( emotional pain )
4. All of the above which in turn bring sexual arousal ( it is a vicious circle )
5. Cloudy mind
6. Absent mindedness & Racing thoughts ( https://www.healthline.com/health/racing-thoughts )
7. Feeling of madness and becoming violent
8. Sleeplessness
9. Horrible sexual dreams with and without ejaculation
10. Numbness to people around or lack of contentedness
11. Feeling of having forces inside of my body moving around
12. Feeling of power rushing inside me which might make me blow away ( blast since I feel unable to contain it )
13. Zombie feeling & as if walking around possessed.
14. Downright lack of energy even to get up from bed.
15. Autoscopic Hallucination with or without sexual dreams ( https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Autoscopy )
16. Other out of body experienceswhere come into contact with beings both in human & weird forms forcing me to sexual activity or torture situations such as ECT ( https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/ect ) or beings like swans entering my body then reducing itself to milky white power that travels to my penis and then back to my brain, or sex in which the women beings who while touching me gives me unimaginable sexual pleasure that foster in my cravings that cannot be matched by any human experience.
17. Emotional rollercoaster
18. Total hopelessness that I will ever be free of this addiction
19. Various paranormal experiences
20. Sleep Paralysis of varying degrees and intensities ( https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/sleep-paralysis/ )
I am starting a journal in the "above 40 forum". Some help is appreciated.
Thanks a million!