neuroaddict
Member
We admitted we were powerless over porn -- that our lives had become unmanageable.
Today, I am admitting to myself and the rest of you on this forum that I am powerless over porn. From my very first exposure to porn (6th grade), I was "hooked," and it became an instantaneous struggle for mastery. That was 25 years ago. Looking back, I can see that I've always had an abnormal reaction to anything that was pleasurable (booze, drugs, etc.), but porn was always special. It offered a type of relief from the experience of being me that nothing else could. I believe this abnormal reaction to pleasure/porn finds its roots in my brain. The evidence is that I have a brain that does not process pleasure (esp. sexually charged media) normally -- never has, never will. Quite simply, once I start using, I can't stop. Once I start, the phenomenon of craving takes hold, and I lose complete control over the amount of porn I watch/duration of time spent watching, the type of porn I watch, the other selfish and self-destructive shit I do "under the influence" of porn, etc. I watch for hours, even days at a time, and I can't go more than maybe a day or two without watching again. I can be, and have been, swept up in this craving for years. I not only have the physical compulsion, but I also have the mental obsession, meaning, even after periods of abstinence, I can't stay stopped. I have had periods of abstinence for varying lengths of time (up to 9 months), over the years, but that goddamn amnesia comes back, and I always rationalize "just one more look," which kicks off the whole craving cycle, all over again. In short, I have the brain/mind of a chronic porn addict. I know that this website is devoted to "rebooting" the brain, and I do believe that the brain can "recover" from the effects of addictive porn use, to a certain extent. But, I do not believe that my brain will ever be like a "normal" person's. That is, I believe that my brain will forever remain vulnerable to potentially falling back into an addictive relationship with porn. Thus, I have to remain vigilant in staying away from porn, in all of its manifestations. Abstinence is just the behavior I practice in the taking of Step 1; it's how I "admit" the fact that I'm powerless to myself. There is more work that I need to do, if I am to heal from the emotional maladjustments that lead me to this acting out behavior, but that will come later.
Today, I am admitting to myself and the rest of you on this forum that I am powerless over porn. From my very first exposure to porn (6th grade), I was "hooked," and it became an instantaneous struggle for mastery. That was 25 years ago. Looking back, I can see that I've always had an abnormal reaction to anything that was pleasurable (booze, drugs, etc.), but porn was always special. It offered a type of relief from the experience of being me that nothing else could. I believe this abnormal reaction to pleasure/porn finds its roots in my brain. The evidence is that I have a brain that does not process pleasure (esp. sexually charged media) normally -- never has, never will. Quite simply, once I start using, I can't stop. Once I start, the phenomenon of craving takes hold, and I lose complete control over the amount of porn I watch/duration of time spent watching, the type of porn I watch, the other selfish and self-destructive shit I do "under the influence" of porn, etc. I watch for hours, even days at a time, and I can't go more than maybe a day or two without watching again. I can be, and have been, swept up in this craving for years. I not only have the physical compulsion, but I also have the mental obsession, meaning, even after periods of abstinence, I can't stay stopped. I have had periods of abstinence for varying lengths of time (up to 9 months), over the years, but that goddamn amnesia comes back, and I always rationalize "just one more look," which kicks off the whole craving cycle, all over again. In short, I have the brain/mind of a chronic porn addict. I know that this website is devoted to "rebooting" the brain, and I do believe that the brain can "recover" from the effects of addictive porn use, to a certain extent. But, I do not believe that my brain will ever be like a "normal" person's. That is, I believe that my brain will forever remain vulnerable to potentially falling back into an addictive relationship with porn. Thus, I have to remain vigilant in staying away from porn, in all of its manifestations. Abstinence is just the behavior I practice in the taking of Step 1; it's how I "admit" the fact that I'm powerless to myself. There is more work that I need to do, if I am to heal from the emotional maladjustments that lead me to this acting out behavior, but that will come later.