Did once something stupid on Omegle, now seeking help, support and maybe comfort

Hi,

So this is what happened:

One night on the peak of my porn addiction, I think it was last year or even two or three years back, I was on omegle. Although I was addicted I was not a complete moron from the beginning when this started. So I made sure, my face was not visible. But I mean, you move around eventually and I am not sure but there might be the possibility that my face was visible for a few seconds. To clarify: I made that with my notebook and its built-in camera. So in order to not show my face, I needed to tip my notebook and with that my camera down. But I think I looked down on me sometime. I know, those built-in cameras have not good resolution but it is still a risk for me and I can't sleep well at night with it. I might have a career in front of me where I would be judged a lot, if not be forced to quit my job. And because it was of the height of my addiction, I did that with trans people. I am disgusted by the thought of it now; even back then I was but only when my mind was clear. I did this on ceveral occasions. I tried to look it up, search for it, found nothing. I would like to look for it again but that would mean that I have to watch porn and I don't want to get back to it. I could cry so much... But I did. The last few days I tried to find it again. I needed two days for one tube site, checked over 10.000 videos of possible content and various search terms.

I know nobody will be able to tell if I was recorded, if it is already leaked, if I will be recognized and so on. But how likely is it? And I read from a software called "Deepfake" which allows scumbags to morph any face on any body and let it look like you participated in a porno. If it would be leaked, would it be possible for me to say it was made with that software? Maybe you know websites that have a lot of those videos on it and you could tell me the names of those? I would also love to get into greater detail which websites I checked and what search terms I used but I can only do that if you write me a private message since I don't want to be a bad influence to anybody here.

Thank you very much for your time!

I can relate since I've done stupid things in the past. The best thing to do is start living your life and let the past be the past. Also, don't worry about the future since majority of the things we worry about never happen.

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/85-of-what-we-worry-about_b_8028368

If it comes out I think it's best, to be honest about what you've done. I think recovery is not just about not looking at porn but becoming a better version of yourself. I think a better version of ourselves takes responsibility for what we've done. I've decided if anyone asks me about my past I'll just be honest about what I did and take responsibility. It's not easy but it's better than try to cover our tracks.

I agree about if someone asks you about certain things in your past  best to be honoust  If no one asks why volunteer.  Eventually it will be so far distant  it would probably never see the light of day

      Post often it helped me it will help you

I've done the exact same moronic shit, and had the exact same fear. My thinking is that if anyone sees me and recognizes me, they've got some explaining to do, themselves. I mean, what are they going to say, "Hey, I was watching porn the other day and saw you whacking off to a tranny." Doubtful. Hope this helps.

neuroaddict said:

I've done the exact same moronic shit, and had the exact same fear. My thinking is that if anyone sees me and recognizes me, they've got some explaining to do, themselves. I mean, what are they going to say, "Hey, I was watching porn the other day and saw you whacking off to a tranny." Doubtful. Hope this helps.

Click to expand...

+1

Try not to become paranoid about this. Even you couldn't find it - and you knew exactly what you were looking for. And who else would trawl though 10,000 videos to find your face on something? Nobody is looking for dirt on you - this is your own anxiety getting the better of you. You need to focus on putting this part of your life behind you and stop worrying about 3 seconds of video that nobody cares about (or even knows about).

I think I have to set a few things straight here: It is not the fear that someone close to me is watching that or discouvering that but many people who don't know me personally but just want to harm me because I will be a public person! So it might be not a single person but a bunch of people working together finding something to discredit me and find something that sticks.
This is what I am afraid of, the stigma of my family, the forcing to disappear from the public and being forced to be silent.

seekingadvice1212 said:

I think I have to set a few things straight here: It is not the fear that someone close to me is watching that or discouvering that but many people who don't know me personally but just want to harm me because I will be a public person! So it might be not a single person but a bunch of people working together finding something to discredit me and find something that sticks.
This is what I am afraid of, the stigma of my family, the forcing to disappear from the public and being forced to be silent.

Click to expand...

My response to you is still the same. Try not to become paranoid. Regardless of your profession, it's extremely unlikely that this will ever see the light of day. You couldn't find it when you were intentionally trying to, along with specific search criteria. If it exists at all anymore, it's very well hidden among the 10 billion other utterly forgettable sex videos out there. My advice is that you move on from this and don't give it any more oxygen than you already have. We tend to overestimate our importance to others. The longer time goes by, the less it could hurt you anyway.

I understand, thank you. I know one does tend to overestimate ones importance to others but it is not like that I am some kind of anonymous person in a couple of years. Many, many will try to get their hands on me. The shitstorm that would follow would be hard to bear. Especially since it would mean I would have to quit my job, the pressure on me and my family will be tremendous.
But thank you all anyway for your help and understanding.

I'd like to add: yes I did try to find it, I used specific search criteria but how specific can you be? It's only things like omegle, chatroulette, skype, exposed and variations of it. Or could you think of anything more? Furthermore, I just looked on the tube sites that I know, that are the most common ones. So there is still the possibility that I could not find it because of lack of knowing sites or lack of more specific sear criteria. Or do would you recommend something different?

Does nobody has to add anything?

Sometimes I wish I would have found something or I would find it now so I have certainty... Which makes me even sadder...

I think you need to have a good think about whether you have a tendency to exaggerate things in your mind. Do you really believe you are going to be this famous? this worthy of interest that would drive somebody to trawl through 10,000+ videos to dig up some dirt on you? It sounds pretty paranoid, man! I think you need to see a professional counsellor about your anxiety and learn how to view things realistically.

It is not a matter of believing but knowing!

Also I also switched on my microphone sometimes. But how would you look up just that? With what search terms? Sometimes I did camera and mic, sometimes only mic, sometimes cam only. It is just so time consuming going thorugh all those videos and possibilitys...
I am also scared because one time my phone rang and I took the call, closed the cam of course but I can't remember if I switched down the mic, too...