Day One - January 7, 2018

Hello all,

My name is Mike, and I've been an avid porn user/masturbater for a majority of my life. I would love nothing more than to cure myself of this crippling disease. Any and all advice would be greatly appreciated.

Currently I am 29 years old, and my obsession with porn (like most members) began in my early teens (12-13 years old). It started out with softcore late night television programming but escalated  to high-speed porn shortly afterwards. I rely on porn, masturbation and orgasms to get me through the day, often acting out upwards of 10-15 times in a span of 24 hours. I'm terrified that I've caused irreparable damage to my body, both physically and mentally. Is it too late for me? Are there others like me? Am I a hopeless case?

Hi Mike,

Welcome! I'm only 13 days sober today, so bear that in mind. I've had the hardest time even getting that much time off of porn. It's the longest I've had in a couple of years. About three years ago, I reach 9 months of abstinence. I then suffered momentary "amnesia"--forgetting all of the pain, suffering, and humiliation I'd experienced in the 14 previous years of porn use--and I justified "one more look." One more look at porn quickly spiraled out of control and the last couple of years have been a blur. What I've learned: 'One look is too many, and a thousand is never enough.' Seriously, one glance (intentional) at pornographic images can be enough to kick off the phenomenon of craving in my brain. Craving is the experience of not being able to stop once you start. To avoid craving, I have to keep my brain free of all sexually charged, virtually mediated content (this includes sexting w my gf). Craving is only part of the affliction. There's also the mental obsession, or insanity, where I "can't stop from starting," even after significant periods of abstinence. This is the "amnesia" I experienced, and it is the more insidious piece of the affliction. It requires CONSTANT vigilance. To combat this obsession, I'm resolving to contribute to this forum daily, as well as to join a support group. From my experience, the first 4 days are always the hardest, and I have no recommendations about how to make that time easier on yourself, beyond suggesting a total fast from all technology/media for at least that period of time. Don't be surprised if such a fast turns out to be harder than it sounds. It can be INCREDIBLY difficult to be alone with our feelings, which is what motivates much of our porn use. The withdrawal phase itself seems to last between 30 and 90 days; so just be prepared for a barrage of out-of-control emotions and urges, but, as I said, those first 4 days can be the worst. Even if you "slip" again today, try to check back to this forum tomorrow and the next day, etc. If you sit in a barbershop long enough, you'll likely get a haircut. It can be the same with sober (and non-sober) communities. If you hang around long enough and consistently enough, you'll start to "get it." Good luck! Have a good day.

md said:

Hi Mike, first off welcome and good luck. Your definitely not alone. I too got caught up in porn and was addicted by the time I even knew you could be addicted to it. I decided to stop one time years back and that's when it all hit me. I can't even count the amount of times I told myself "no" and "last time". This is a journey and a process.. But I wanted to just warn you about having multiple orgasms specifically like that in the span of 24 hours. Especially at the frequency your talking about. I was caught in this situation and I still am and slowly recovering by the grace of God but I'll warn you that having multiple orgasms like that in simple terms will screw you up big time. I'm talking about hormones specifiaclly. When you do that, your demanding more from your body than it can produce which will eventually lead to exhaustion symptoms. Much like a car battery that's dead and can't charge itself. I'm barley climbing out of that hole right now and let me tell you it's absolutely terrible. It causes all kinds of hormone imbalance, sleep disturbances, insomnia, stress and overall it just throws your body into a whacked out and panic state. Like dominoes or a house of cards, one thing just leads to another. So dude, at the VERY LEAST work on your frequency. You definitely don't want to put your body in that condition, it sucks. My suggestion... ease up and do whatever it takes to at lest go a few days in between orgasms and definitely not more than 1 a day. The stupid porn is over exciting us and it's making us want to orgasm WAY more that our body was ever designed for. Be careful man, good luck

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Yes, there comes a point where you agree with this. Bingeing drains you completely. I know cause I'm coming from one. The more you jerk off, the more fucked up you feel. Anxiety, sitting on needles, exhaustion, depression, things irritate and annoy you etc. It's like all the emotional problems you have are amplified. And you jerk off more to ease those feelings and they get stronger. It's like drinking water but getting more thirsty.

Hello all,

Thanks for both the insightful and encouraging messages, I'm approximately 22 hours sober and I have no desire to watch porn or masturbate; however, I am cautious knowing that this is just the beginning of my journey and things will most definitely get worse before they get better. I have made some other lifestyle changes as well namely quitting tabocco use. I find that I waste an insanely large amount of time either nuking my lungs or in bed with the laptop on my chest endulging in my guilty pleasures. I am not niave to the fact that my excessive masturbation will lead to hormonal imbalances and emotional changes but I'm prepared for this. I do not want to give myself the option to go back I want to permanently burn all those bridges and never use them again, at this point it's  mind over matter and I believe nay I know I have the mental and physical strength to do this. I have only just begun but I find reading, writing and interacting with fellow members on this forum extremely helpful, so I thank you all for the interacting with me. I'd like to close with a quote:

"Anything the mind of a man can conceive and believe, it can achieve - Napoleon Hill

P.S. I look forward to interacting with you guys tomorrow, until then keep up the great work everybody.

Regards,

ML

Just checking in for today. I like the salt water analogy. I think of acting out to porn like scratching a poison ivy rash. The more you scratch, the more it itches...and spreads. The only way it goes away, and eventually stops itching, is if you don't scratch. And just because it may have stopped itching doesn't mean I'm no longer allergic to poison ivy. I have to remain vigilant, eliminating all exposure to triggers today. Good luck today.

neuroaddict said:

Just checking in for today. I like the salt water analogy. I think of acting out to porn like scratching a poison ivy rash. The more you scratch, the more it itches...and spreads. The only way it goes away, and eventually stops itching, is if you don't scratch. And just because it may have stopped itching doesn't mean I'm no longer allergic to poison ivy. I have to remain vigilant, eliminating all exposure to triggers today. Good luck today.

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It definitely creates a reaction like that for me. I PMO once then I can't stop that day, I want more and more. And like this I end up bingeing. On January 5 I literally fought to stay away from bingeing and I had urges even after PMOing once. The best thing to do is... waiting. That's right. It might sound silly but waiting is all I can do. If I have urges, I wait. I don't edge, I don't look at anything. I just wait. Today I've been doing this, actually. I've had urges today but I did nothing. I just waited. Yes, urges are suffering, in a way. But look, I said to myself: "After all these years with artificial pleasure, maybe I can't avoid the pain of quitting. I have to go through it, that's it. There are harder pains out there, that's the truth. I mean, if my urges right now are pain, what about that toothache that I don't even want to remember? There are definitely things that hurt more. Heroin addicts hurt more, for example, than I do." I will give an example: I was on medication once, for panic attacks and I got addicted to it. I had withdrawal but no more pills. I had no other choice but to wait and go through the pain. It sucked but it stopped one day and then I've never been through that again. I want to adapt the same attitude here cause this is an addiction like that one, maybe stronger but... I didn't choose to become a porn junkie, it just happened. Now I should stop bitching and deal with this once and for good. Just an exercise of imagination: What if there is no porn at all (like I had no more pills back then) and I can't satisfy my urges? All I can do is go through them. I know this doesn't work because you can jerk off to fantasies and whatever, it's just the attitude that I want to have. There is no more porn out there. I have to make it possible. Nobody asks me to look at porn. Yeah, I know it's free, that's the problem, but fuck it.

Hello All,

Thanks for those of you who checked in! I'm going on 46 hours and haven't had any urges thus far, which is surprising considering the amount of porn I used to watch and masturbate too. Nonetheless I feel great, this despite the stress I've been under lately with work and family issues. Again I'm not niave and know the worst is yet to come but I believe I can get through it especially if I string a few days of sobriety together. I find I tend to thrive when faced with impossible tasks, especially when others don't have faith in your abilities to achieve seemingly insurmountable goals. The only problem is I have never openly told anybody about my dark passenger, it's been my dirty secret since I started 16 years ago. Looking back I wish I would I have confided in someone, especially when average high-speed porn no longer aroused me and I moved on to live webcam girls (an even more disgusting industry than porn itself). Needless to say I fell in love, it was something different, something new and the live interaction and directing had me hooked for years. Only problem is these "models" don't care, they prey on fragile addicts and bleed them dry. It's a vicous cycle, one I'm glad is behind me. As the hours go by I find I reflect on the stupid shit I did as a result of my addiction, and I can't help but feel ashamed. I won't endulge my dark passenger any longer! I'm done with PMO for good. Stay strong everyone, and thanks for reading, I'll talk to you all tomorrow looking forward to 72 hours!

Regards,
ML

You're right, Michael. The worst is definitely yet to come. Start thinking now about how you will eliminate triggers (internal and external) from your life. From my experience, my porn addiction (my false self) always seems to have the upper hand in this battle because it has access to all the information my sober, true self does. It's like playing a chess match against a subtle and cunning foe who is literally inside your mind. He knows what move you'll make before you do and can, therefore, strategize a counter-attack. The good news is that you're also inside his mind, too. This means that you can/must start learning to think 10 moves ahead, but not until you really, truly know your enemy. Unfortunately, this can mean a lot of relapse and suffering as you learn his tendencies and favorite strategies.

As an example, I have to anticipate that my urges will wander off for a while, apparently leaving me alone, but then they will return with a vengeance, particularly when I'm isolated and alone. I tend to get home before my gf everyday and have a couple of hours to potentially act out. With this in mind, I plan on staying out of the apt and around other people (i.e., in public) for as long as possible, before returning. If I absolutely must be home alone, I have a rule in place that I avoid all screens (e.g., phone, computer, TV) until she gets home. The only exception to this rule is if I must (and probably should) use my phone to call someone and either let them know I'm alone or ask them about their day. Oh yeah, and if I'm going to be home alone, I jump into a 5 min cold shower immediately, just to remind my body that I'm the boss.

Anyway, that's the tidbit that I can share, for now. Hope everyone has a good day.

Hello all,

Once again than you for the kind words and encouragement, I have successfully been PMO free for just over 69 hours. While I mentally feel great, im a little worried about my physical welfare. To be blunt, my penis feels numb, non-existent or broken if you will. I've read about flatlining and what to expect but have only read accounts wherein this sort of thing occurs months into a reboot, and I've only just begun. Any advice would be great. Additionally after my last post, I was doing some research and subconsciously entered the web address to my favorite streaming site without realizing what I was doing. It was almost as if I had blacked out and when I awoke I quickly shut it down. I don't classify this as a relapse only because I didn't really see anything significant, nor did I act out. To be completely honest it was a 5 second blur I completely zoned out staring at the web address before relaizing where I was. I'm curious if any of you recall having similar episodes? Maybe it was just a creature of habit moment and I'm reading too much into it, regardless I'm glad it happened and will serve as a reminder to always be alert and attentive when surfing the internet. Anyway that's all I have for today, I thank you all for reading, as always any comments or advice is always appreciated. See you all at 96 hours, until then stay strong!

Regards,

ML

Hello everyone,

I am approximately 89 hours into my recovery and I've had a rather peculiar day with regards to my reboot. Shortly after my last post I set my phone to charge and retired for the night. I had zero thought about PMO as I dosed off; however 3 hours later I awoke from a dream...a pornographic dream similar to a video I would typically stream and act out too before falling asleep. What's odd, is that I wanted it to stop, I wanted no part of what was happening. When I finally mustered the strength to wake up, I had a glass of cold water, calmed myself down and fell back asleep. Approximately 2 hours must have passed before I was awake again, this time from an even more vivid pornographic dream. As I write this alone in the confines of my bedroom I have no desire to PMO, nor did I have any desire in the hours prior. My addiction is seemingly attacking me when I'm completely defenseless. I fully expected things to get harder, just wasn't expecting this. That's all for today! Stay strong everyone, see you at 120 hours.

Regards,

ML