Day 3: Is this possible on willpower? I'd truly appriciate ur help.(PMO + drugs)

Hi guys.

I'm on day 3 of quitting:
- PMO (heavy user, since I was around 14, 30 now). Sessions of 8 hours straight are not uncommon, mostly during the night.
- smoking tobacco, every day around 20 cigs.
- smoking marijuana, every night 1 or 2 joints
- drinking alcohol - every night around 2 or 3 cans

Other than that I'm prescribed with dexamphetamine for AD(H)D, and with lorazepam for anxiety problems. I still use these two - though I'd like to quit, as I used to combine all these drugs to get in to this fantasy porn world. That's also the reason I stopped with all the things mentioned above. I can't just quit one of those. I have to break the pattern.

I'd have to tell you. Yesterdaynight was bad - but today - it literally feels like every inch of my body is burning.
Like insects crawling in my skin, like my fingers, toes; my limps are slowly being stretched out of their sockets.
In the last hour I've been going from screaming my lungs out in a pillow and almost smashing my head into the wall, to crying on on the floor in fetal position, feeling so utterly hopeless.
Knowing that if I relapse - I'll never be happy. I'll slowly kill myself. Emotionally (PMO), but physically also (the smoking, bad eating habits, alcohol are really taking their toll).
I know about the way the brain works. Screaming for dopamine. Receptors that call out even louder for that hit that I deny them.

So my question... Will this awful pain lessen?
Is it even physically possible to resist this urge, an urge that lasts for hours and hours a day, only to stop for a short while - to return even stronger after? Is it possible, without being restrained, like in a clinic?

Am I taking on too many things at once? I just don't know what to do anymore.

Thanks for reading in advance, and for your time.

Daymare

Hello Daymare. Thanks for sharing. I think you should look for professional help. The pain will lessen, but it will be too much easier if you are accompanied by friends and family. Solitude is not a good friend by now. Also meditation and phisical activity will help you a lot. Its time to start doing something you always wanted to do. Do not lock yourself in four walls. Remember, in this community we are like Leonidas, fighting thousands of monster on a cliff, but unlike them, we are not going to die, we are going to win. 

I will concur on the professional help.  Once you get chemical dependencies and medications involved, it is a bit beyond what a bunch of guys on a message board can do.  Besides, if we could say with some certainty that your agony has to do with the porn addiction then we could help more, but I'd hate to offer all kinds of advice if it means ignoring some other things.

I can't really say that I can wrap my head around how multiple addictions work together, but I do know that multiple habits tend to move together.  Many pot smokers who have been on this board have closely associated getting high with some really intense porn binges; it had a way of creating a higher high from the porn.  The alcohol, if nothing else, can be a ritual closely related to sitting in front of the computer with some porn.  It was for me, and I had to shelf the booze for a while.  As a depressant, it definitely amplifies that little voice that tells you that porn is the only answer to your problems.

Getting rid of porn doesn't happen immediately, and it doesn't just happen by "white knuckling it".  The physical, mental, physiological things all have to be addressed, and any addiction will plant emotional roots and needs to be dealt with on that front.  It takes time, patience, and a strong understanding of what porn has done in your life.

Don't beat yourself up about not quitting immediately.  Keep track of your progress and look to that for signs of encouragement.  Maybe getting through one night is a big deal.  Get through one night, and after you relapse, look to trying to make it a night again, as soon as reasonable.  See how many times you can repeat that.  When that seems doable, try two nights.  Each time you say "no" and ride out withdrawals, you are rewiring piece by piece.  Each bit of rewiring lessens withdrawal, and you gradually have more and more strength to go longer.  If you give up completely, then the small rewiring is blunted by endless binges.  If you've been doing 8 hour binges, then maybe keeping yourself down to one "round" in a night will be a point of progress for you.

Also, going from heavy use to three days without porn and enduring those side effects is incredibly good. 

If withdrawals are putting you in danger of hurting yourself... well, please don't hurt yourself.  We want you to be free from porn, but we want you to be safe.  Make good choices in this regard.

My best guess (I am NOT a professional, but hopefully this will make a good case for seeking professional help) is that the extremity of your withdrawal is a result of this unique cocktail of meds you're on.  Your ADHD med is basically speed, and benzos can create lots of problems, too.  Lorazepam/Ativan happens to be the most potent in the benzo family.  I took adderall for all of a week years ago and found that I hated feeling like I was "on something", and I'm glad I didn't stick with it.  I probably would have ended up with anxiety issues, since I'm prone to anxiety to begin with, anyway.  Add nicotene, alcohol and marijuana to the mix (all of which are highly discouraged to mix with either of those meds), and you've got a truly intense mix of things.  Porn has a way of working us into a trance, and I'm thinking that porn, right now, is that bottom block on the jenga tower.  You're wiggling that block, and watching the whole tower wobble.

Who knows... maybe the trancing/calming effects of porn were working against the ADHD med, so without porn, it feels like a double dose of your ADHD stuff - in other words, you had a balance of stimulants and sedatives, and now you're heavier on the stimulant side of the balance. I'm not going to suggest messing around with medication doses, though it wouldn't surprise me if a doctor suggested halving your dose or something.  If you're taking the lorazepam a lot, it might be worth checking out the website Benzo Buddies to see what's going on over there.  Those are guys who have been on benzos for a while and have had problems from that.  I've known some who had to give it up, and boy oh boy is that a rough ride.  I'm not saying you need to QUIT the lorazepam, but it might be worth seeing if you see anything familiar in those stories, particularly when it comes to mixing the different drugs.

Short answer: will powe is enough but ONLY if you have something else to focus on, like a definite major purpose or goal that you focus all your energy on. If we count on willpower alone to just stay away from all that we want to avoid, without having anyting else to fill the void with, then will power will only get us so far...

Thanks so, so much for your replies guys. You are a big part of the reason why I keep trying and don't completely lose faith. I had a really, really bad relapse last night. No sleep, taking dexamphetamine (speed indeed) in combination with lorazepam (uppers and downers combined, I know... it's really stupid) some alcohol, smoking cigarettes and edging to a long, long porn session. I couldn't make it to work today because of my relapse. I'm still recovering emotionally and physically.

@DoneAtLast, sir - thanks so much for your advice and taking the time to write all this. I'm at a loss for words right now. Partly because of me being really tired, but also because I'm touched by your kindness and dedication in helping a stranger.

Thanks again. I'll come back and reply in a better fashion when I have more energy.

Take care

A note on ADHD.  Did it exist before the addictions, or after.  While they are trying to help , the men here tend to throw the baby out with the bathwater, believing that ADHD does not exist at all.  I have  definitely experienced this as I was told to stop believing in the condition  I was diagnosed with two or three years before any of my addictions started.  (I was diagnosed late in life, in high school, but my symptoms were present from early  childhood, but led to misdiagnoses).  They are correct, lack of sleep  due to PMOing and even the addiction itself can lead to ADHD symptoms.  Personally, I can tell the difference between my particular brain wiring and brain fog.  ADHD, as I try to explain it, is having TOO MUCH to pay attention to.  It is an overactive brain.  Not an underactive one.  Brain fog is like your brain is a computer and you are forcing it to play a game that is too much for it to play on its specifications.  Brain fog is your brain is sick, ADHD is your brain is trying to focus on everything at the same time. 

Normies will never understand.
Good luck fighting the addictions.

Rich

HumbleRich said:

A note on ADHD.  Did it exist before the addictions, or after.  While they are trying to help , the men here tend to throw the baby out with the bathwater, believing that ADHD does not exist at all.  I have  definitely experienced this as I was told to stop believing in the condition  I was diagnosed with two or three years before any of my addictions started.  (I was diagnosed late in life, in high school, but my symptoms were present from early  childhood, but led to misdiagnoses).  They are correct, lack of sleep  due to PMOing and even the addiction itself can lead to ADHD symptoms.  Personally, I can tell the difference between my particular brain wiring and brain fog.  ADHD, as I try to explain it, is having TOO MUCH to pay attention to.  It is an overactive brain.  Not an underactive one.  Brain fog is like your brain is a computer and you are forcing it to play a game that is too much for it to play on its specifications.  Brain fog is your brain is sick, ADHD is your brain is trying to focus on everything at the same time. 

Normies will never understand.
Good luck fighting the addictions.

Rich

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All good points.  I should clarify what I meant by potentially needing to reduce the dosage.  If a person takes blood pressure meds and then loses some weight causing their blood pressure to drop naturally, they need to reduce their meds to compensate appropriately.  It doesn't mean hypertension was imagined, but the circumstances under which the original dosage was prescribed have since changed.  That was my original thought.  It might not be a good analogy, but even though brain fog and ADHD are not the same thing, it could be an issue.  I figured it was worth throwing out there as an idea, especially since those withdrawal symptoms are kinda off the charts.

Hey daymare. Relapse will be normal at this point, don't worry about it. Just keep going step by step. Don't judge yourself for relapsing. The way for success is not linear. As you see, nobody is going to judge you if you relapse, so, forgive yourself, and keep going buddy.

I've gone through what I've done and I've also seen myself crying on the floor because I can not leave porn and destroy my life. The only thing I can tell you is that the possibility of changing our lives is in our hands or we will be our own murderers. Remember that life is too short to waste it like that. Like you, I also want to be happy. We will not be while the addictions control us. something that helped me a lot is to learn how they work and not stop reading. I am currently progressing. I did 10 days clean, 5 days, 3.3, 10 days and I am currently going for my day 4. For me it is an advance. Before it was every day. 4,6,8 up to 12 hours and the sunrise. my humble advice is to read and not stop reading. if I have not done it, I recommend these books: the brain that changes itself, your brain porn.

Hey guys,

Thanks a lot for your replies.
It's been months since I posted. That's because I completely fell back into my addiction(s) again.
I will post the full story to a new thread, perhaps that's better.

Thanks again,

Steven