A Useful Trick for Defining Healthy Sexual Behavior

In Sex Addicts Anonymous, they have this really useful way of defining sexually healthy behavior for each individual: the Three Circles. Because sex--like food--isn't something most people can or would want to give up, they emphasize taking a structured approach to defining what healthy sexual behavior looks like for you.

Your inner circle is stuff you do not want to do at all. These things define your sexual sobriety and time away from them counts as sober time.

Your middle circle is stuff that you're generally trying to avoid because it can easily lead you back to your inner circle behaviors. This includes all kinds of triggers but also emotional stuff that can put you in harm's way.

Your outer circle is healthy behavior that you should be actively seeking out. These are behaviors and habits that build self-esteem and reinforce social bonds and actually make it less likely that you'll relapse.

For me it looks like this:

INNER CIRCLE
Porn, porn fantasy, camsites, etc.

MIDDLE CIRCLE 
Sexy pics on Instagram and social media, DMing strangers who I'll probably never meet in real life, sexting someone I'm not seeing in real life on a regular basis (my ex), Incognito mode, deleting browser history, having multiple email accounts and browsing stuff that I wouldn't want people to know I read, sex articles, pornstar interviews, porn documentaries, sex podcasts. But also emotional states like loneliness, self-pitty, and rejection.

OUTER CIRCLE

Sex in real life, relationships, dating, flirting, expressing my sexuality openly and without shame, foreplay, intimate conversations, friendship, masturbation to physical sensations and real life fantasy.

**** P.S:

I know there's a difference between porn addiction and sex addiction. I'm not suggesting this is an alternative to a reboot or anything. As I mention in my journal, I'm also in recovery for drugs, alcohol, and sex addiction (4 years clean and sober!) and so I'm using some of the same tools in my struggle with porn addiction.

I hope that by sharing them here I might pass on some of what has worked for me.

MindOverModem said:

**** P.S:

I know there's a difference between porn addiction and sex addiction. I'm not suggesting this is an alternative to a reboot or anything. As I mention in my journal, I'm also in recovery for drugs, alcohol, and sex addiction (4 years clean and sober!) and so I'm using some of the same tools in my struggle with porn addiction.

I hope that by sharing them here I might pass on some of what has worked for me.

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That looks like some really good stuff.  If you get more on it, I'd love to see it on here.

I agree that sex addiction stuff can be useful.  A while ago I watched some videos on YouTube aimed at kicking alcohol, and I was astounded how universal a lot of addiction problems really are.  Since porn addiction is the new kid in the class, it only makes sense that we look to the addiction counseling realms that have existed for much longer to see what we can learn.

Here's a link to the literature explaining the Three Circles and how to do it.

https://www.scribd.com/doc/165238642/3-Circles

You're absolutely right about the universality of addiction. The bottom line is that my disease makes me believe that I can fix what's going on inside me with external stuff, and that can take many many forms. My specific addictions to alcohol, drugs, sex, and porn are a result of repeat exposure and gravitating towards those "fixes" until they become compulsive, but it can take almost any form.

So true about the "new kid in class." For a long time, older folks didn't want you talking about drugs in AA (which is bullshit considering drugs are mentioned frequently in AA's "Big Book."

"More will be revealed" as they say...

I've brought up porn addiction recently in AA meetings. It's unreal how many people can relate. My best friend did a reboot a while back and it saved his marriage. Lots of women struggle with it too, the first time I realized that was talking to women I know in sobriety.

The document is set to "private".  Not sure if making it public is a hassle or not.

I wish I'd saved some of the good alcoholism stuff I'd saved.  Addiction has a way of digging out all of our emotional vulnerabilities and exploiting them in order to survive, like a cancer eating away at our good cells.  With all the talk about dopamine hits, I think the porn addiction world gets a little too hung up on the purely physiological aspect and ignores all of that other stuff which is so basically human. 

Here you go, my friend:

https://saa-recovery.org/literature/three-circles-defining-sexual-sobriety-in-saa/

I really like that!

I am a big advocate of hard mode... instead of guessing what is good sexuality or good limits, just go completely clean for a while and see where things land as life normalizes.  But, I get that it isn't for everyone (married people for starters), and that seems like an indispensible tool.

DoneAtLast said:

I am a big advocate of hard mode... instead of guessing what is good sexuality or good limits, just go completely clean for a while and see where things land as life normalizes.

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Probably the best reason to do hard mode right there! I have been doing it this time for my reboot after a few successful ones in the pas then a cycle of relapse. A big thing that has come to mind is "what is actually attractive and beautiful"? I'm not quite sure yet, tho I have a vague idea. But its certainly NOT porn!

Sentimental_geek said:

DoneAtLast said:

I am a big advocate of hard mode... instead of guessing what is good sexuality or good limits, just go completely clean for a while and see where things land as life normalizes.

Click to expand...

Probably the best reason to do hard mode right there! I have been doing it this time for my reboot after a few successful ones in the pas then a cycle of relapse. A big thing that has come to mind is "what is actually attractive and beautiful"? I'm not quite sure yet, tho I have a vague idea. But its certainly NOT porn!

Click to expand...

Well said!  I wish people knew how exciting it can be.  For the woman who, as a porn addict, would never be on your radar to be heart stoppingly beautiful, beyond what any porn actress could ever do for you, is an incredible feeling.